When news came out yesterday about Michael Lohan’s impending nuptials to Kate Major, Lindsay Lohan responded with a chic: “I’m gonna vomit…I so didn’t need that info … Yuck!” Now PopEater has an interesting little backstory on Lindsay’s past relationship with her father’s soon-to-be bride: apparently, Kate Major used to be employed by Lindsay. For real. According to PopEater‘s gossip guy, “Kate first met Michael Lohan because she used to be Lindsay’s assistant! I know first-hand that Kate was once a key member of Lindsay’s entourage, serving (either paid or unpaid) as a driver, confidant, an all-purpose factotum.” One of PopEater’s sources adds: “Kate was really close with Lindsay when she was in rehab at Cirque Lodge in 2007. Kate drove her back to Los Angeles from Utah and was the one that brought in the first-person post-rehab interview for In Touch. They hung out and partied a lot together after that. But Lindsay stopped returning her calls when Kate started getting closer to Michael Lohan. Kate used to go out to the Hamptons and hit events with him and his girlfriend [later reputed fiancee] Erin Muller. She had a picture on her desk of the three of them at a white party out there. It’s also weird that Kate’s saying Michael went down [to Florida over Easter] to meet her father because she used to say Michael knew her dad from college or something.” Ew. That is gross.

Meanwhile, in other Lindsay news, her BBC documentary was not a hit with British audiences. The Guardian reported that the child trafficking documentary got 224,000 viewers, or a 0.9% share. Basically, people would rather watch A League of Their Own and some random Gene Kelly movie rather than sit through Professor Crackhead’s musings on trafficking. However, that BBC project is the gift that keeps on giving, because commenter Susette put up this fascinating link in yesterday’s Lohan post – it’s a column/article from The Guardian about just exactly how cracked-out Lindsay was while shooting the BBC documentary. Full piece is here, and here are some of the worst/best highlights (believe me, it‘s worth it):

[The] production company’s plan was for Lohan and the crew to be in situ for a planned raid by Indian authorities (with the aid of a charity), ensuring she was there for the rescue of a number of children who had been trafficked and placed into forced labour. After protracted negotiations, Lindsay agreed to do this, so first class flights were booked for her, her bodyguard, and her assistant. Meanwhile, the crew travelled to India and waited for Lohan to make her entrance. At this point, according to a BBC source, the hokey cokey one might have regarded as inevitable started, and Lindsay began backtracking on her commitment, causing flights to be repeatedly cancelled and rebooked as she kept producers in the dark as to her plans. Alas, despite myriad ignored messages, she failed to pitch up in India before the raid, which went ahead without her in a way that, say, a Roberto Cavalli fashion show would never dare to.

It was at this point that Lindsay took to Twitter, in tweets later described by the BBC as “misinterpreted”. “Over 40 children saved so far,” read one of these communiqués. “Within one day’s work … this is what life is about … Doing THIS is a life worth living! Oh, and I’m talking about being in India.”

Mm. Intriguingly, Lindsay was not even in India at the time these messages were tweeted – a fact on which BBC3 declined to comment, saying only that police raids are not scheduled. On the contrary, say local police and magistrates – the raids had been planned for two months and Lindsay’s implication that she was there was somewhat resented. However, Lindsay finally agreed to travel to India, arriving the day after the raid.

According to a BBC source, the cost for acquiring three last minute first class travel tickets was by now in excess of £30,000, though the BBC press office say this figure isn’t correct and that anyway the film was delivered by the production company at a fixed cost. They do not dispute the fact that they knowingly allowed her to travel without a work visa, a decision which might now see Lohan blacklisted from travelling to India.

Still, once in India, by all accounts Lindsay behaved obligingly, though whether you regard her spending no more than two and a half days in India justifies the title “Lindsay Lohan’s Indian Journey” is a matter for you. Thereafter, though, things began to fall apart once more.

Realising a serious treatment of the subject would require Lindsay engaging with a serious authority on child trafficking, the producers worked to set up a filmed interview between her and Unicef in New York. Despite some rumoured misgivings about the choice of celebrity advocate, Unicef agreed. Lindsay having also agreed, a camera crew was duly dispatched to New York … and once again, the hokey cokey started. Indeed, despite repeated entreaties to Lindsay to reconfirm she would be honouring her obligations on this issue about which she professes such passion, Lindsay’s studied vagueness continued right up to the minute of the meeting, whereupon Unicef confirm to me that madam stood the lot of them up.

Why? Well, the magic of the internet allows us to establish that Lindsay was disporting herself at Milan fashion week at the time. In the end, hasty arrangements were made for her to ask the questions of Save the Children in London, and in the documentary a partied-out looking Lindsay can be seen doing that before suggesting people should help via “Twitter? There’s Twitter …”

[From The Guardian]

The Guardian person goes on to basically slam every person even vaguely connected for the monstrosity of the documentary, and points out that it wouldn’t have been SO bad if it was just some other know-nothing starlet. But because it’s Lindsay, a noted “flake” and druggie, the BBC should have known what they were getting into, and people should be fired and we should all be ashamed. But before the conclusion, The Guardian offers a review of the documentary by someone named Amelia. Amelia describes a pivotal scene that sums up The Problem With Blohan:

A shaven-haired girl is explaining that her parents would beat her unless she went out every day to earn money, but it’s hard to concentrate on what she’s saying because what’s happening behind her is so distracting. Lohan is rubbing her already-red eyes, spreading mascara around the place, twitching her eyebrows.

“Um. Um. Oh my God,” the film star says, her lips wobbling uncontrollably. A disembodied hand pops into the screen to pass her a tissue. “Um. How did she feel? Um. How did they treat her?” she asks, beginning to sob.

The small girl turns to look at her in bemusement. The translator gives an embarrassed laugh and says to the girl: “She’s crying for you. Why don’t you comfort her?” So we watch as the puzzled child dutifully strokes Lohan’s long mane of golden hair.

“Oh my God! Oh my God!” Lohan says, with a husky gasp. “Sorry, I’m having a moment.” Mercifully, the camera is then switched off.

One could write thousands of words about the matter, but in that single vignette is distilled everything that is arse-about-tit about this level of celebrity-led documentary.

That about sums it up for me too. Ridiculous.

Lindsay in LA on April 6, 2010. Credit: Pacific Coast News.