I do not remember the last time I’ve laughed this hard. Certainly not at poetry. And certainly not at Charlie Sheen. But it turns out, when you combine Charlie Sheen and poetry, you get a laugh riot of unrivaled proportions. I didn’t think celebrities were allowed to write poetry – save for Jewel. And I’m not saying hers was anything to write home about, but I was at least aware of it. What I was not aware of was that Leonard Nimoy Charlie Sheen, and Suzanne Somers all have published books of poetry. I know, a truly horrifying concept. Whether or not you enjoy or understand poetry, pretty much anyone can delight in a feeling of superiority after reading a few of their lines. Even if you couldn’t do a better job, most of us would at least have the sense not to publish the crap. But most of us also don’t have anywhere near the ego that’s mounted on most celeb’s heads. Hey that rhymed. I just became 75% better at poetry than Charlie Sheen. I’m not sure if this is a moment of pride or profound sadness. Here’s a little bit ‘o Charlie.

…Teacher, teacher, I don’t understand,

You tell me it’s like the back of my hand.

Should I play guitar and join the band?

Or head to the beach and walk in the sand?

[From the Huffington Post]

Oh delicious delight. I never thought I would say this, but Charlie Sheen, Denise Richards clearly left you because she was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too intelligent for you. Seriously, how could you possibly be attracted to someone after they wrote something like this? And the worst part is, Charlie Sheen wrote his book of poetry in 1990. I’m assuming that he hid it from Denise while he was courting her. You know, like you hide your collection of porn or the fact that you once ran over a person. Because that poem is clearly on the same level as a hit-and-run. Who else’s depth should we taunt? Suzanne Somers is a good one. She’s a little more clear (and a little more free verse) in her poem, about a judgmental organic woman. Alright.

Organic girl dropped by last night

For nothing in particular

Except to tell me again how beautiful and serene she feels

On uncooked vegetables and wheat germ fortified by bean sprouts–

Mixed with yeast and egg whites on really big days–

She not only meditates regularly, but looks at me like I should

And lectures me about meat and ice cream

And other aggressive foods I shouldn’t eat.

[From the Huffington Post]

I know. No words. Which is tough since words are my job. The article does give a few examples of good celebrity poems – but they’re all singer/songwriters. Which makes perfect sense, and is a hell of a lot less funny. Now I’m not saying it was easy to look at Charlie Sheen without laughing before this debacle. But seriously, next time you see him waxing on about what a crazed heathen Denise Richards is, start chanting “Teacher, teacher, I don’t understand,” and see how long you can go without judging the crap out of him.

Here Charlie Sheen with fiancée Brooke Mueller and the cast of “Two and a Half Men” at the “An Evening with ‘Two and a Half Men’” event at the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences on February 27th. Images thanks to PR Photos.