Cele|bitchy | Angelina breastfeeding? That’s hot!

New York Magazine tries to move copies with a headline declaring that they have the first Brangelina baby photos. Of course all they have are fuzzy faked photos using lookalikes and a newborn. They even have the Angelina model pose with the baby at her breast.

The long filler article covers the paparazzi’s scramble to get the first picture of the baby and societal fascination with it – a nonstory really. We’d rather read about how they’re fighting or where they’re sleeping in that Namibian Getaway.

In that sense, the birth marks the end of a modern fairy tale, the sentimental made-for-TV-movie moment of the happy new family in their cocoon of bliss (and for added narrative pleasure, there’s poor Aniston off smoking and getting naked in a bad-looking movie with chubby Vince Vaughn). Whoever contrives to get the shot of the gorgeous Pitt-Jolie offspring will not only enjoy a lucrative windfall. They’ll give us the closure we all crave, while throwing open the door to the next serial fairy tale (the inevitable marital bumps, etc.) that will delight and/or disgust millions of us around the worldÃ¢â‚¬â€and sell a ton of magazines. But first, the photo, or what Debra Birnbaum, the deputy editor of Life&Style, calls “the Holy Grail of celebrity journalism.”

According to those whose business it is to know such things, Jolie will likely give birth at Paris’s American Hospital during the first week of May, although she’s also believed to have booked rooms at Cedars-Sinai and Malibu’s St. John’s Hospital and may have done the same at hospitals in London, Berlin, and a Third World countryÃ¢â‚¬â€possibly Ethiopia, from where she adopted her daughter, Zahara. (Some of the same people who claim to have a good idea about where and when Jolie will give birth also seem to have a good idea about how: They say it will be a C-section. They also say it’s a boy.)

So, with Paris looking at the moment like the best bet, the paparazzi are brushing up on their FrenchÃ¢â‚¬â€and feeling a touch frÃƒÂ©nÃƒÂ©tique.

The paparazzi lament the hilly terrain and bad lighting in France, and the pesky laws that keep them away from celebrities as a result of Princess Di’s death. Jolie and Pitt are expected to create a diversion when they leave the hospital so that the newborn can remain untouched by the lenses that follow the family everywhere. Of course it is thought that the world’s most famous couple will sell the first pictures to the highest bidder to benefit one of Angelina’s favorite charities. Angelina confirmed pregnancy rumors by letting Haitian charity Yele Haiti sell her bump pictures for $400,000 to People Magazine.

This news seems outdated now that the Jolie-Pitts are in Africa, and it’s really just an excuse to post pictures of the lookalikes with a baby.