Time Magazine’s annual “Most Influential People” list has come out, and it’s a doozy. I generally enjoy the lists, just because they’re a good read, but I almost always disagree with the people who make the “Most Influential Artists” portion. This year is no different. Time’s list of most influential artists includes, in no particular order: Lady Gaga, Conan O’Brien, Kathryn Bigelow, Oprah, Robert “Sparkles” Pattinson, Ashton Kutcher, Taylor Swift, Neil Patrick Harris, the Lost dudes (Cuse and Lindelof), Prince, Lea Michele, Simon Cowell, Banksy, Marc Jacobs, Elton John, Sandra Bullock, James Cameron and Ricky Gervais.

Yes, you read that right. SPARKLES! Pattinson made the list, Twihards, although Kristen Stewart was c-ckblocked, probably because she chopped off her Bella hair. Gaga I actually agree with – she’s what’s happening in music today. I also love the inclusion of Neil Patrick Harris and the Lost dudes, because of their cult-like popularity. But Prince? Seriously? What is this, 1991? Lea Michele? Seriously? Ashton Kutcher? REALLY?

Here are some excerpts:

ROBERT PATTINSON by Chris Weitz:
I have to be careful about what I write here because it will be tweeted the moment TIME hits the stands. And if I say something bad about Rob Pattinson, I’m dead meat. That’s the devotion the Twilight films inspire. It’s certainly not how he planned it. And though I am continually impressed by the aplomb with which he handles the hysteria, I occasionally think he would take it all back if given the chance. Because essentially, Rob, 23, is a reserved, bookish sort of specimen, a guy who’d rather spend the night at the corner table in the pub with friends — a bit of a weirdo, frankly, in the best sense.

So how to write about someone who seems to answer Freud’s rhetorical question, What do women want? Perhaps it’s just worth pointing out that it’d be fun to have a beer with him even if he weren’t Edward Cullen. That we haven’t seen a tenth of what he can do onscreen. And that important things, beyond the veil of Hollywood, occupy his time too — music, conversation, ideas, a sense of the absurd. Which, maybe, explains why he never gets to my e-mails. I love you, Rob! Call me!

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS by Joss Whedon:
Neil loves magic tricks. He’s good at them, but his greatest trick may be himself: not just the way he was suddenly all over TV — and other media — but also that he made it seem like he’d always been there, a charming, Carsonesque presence. While he flourished as both an actor and a persona, he serenely announced he was gay. And that was that. He’s been nominated for an Emmy three times for his role as hetero hound Barney Stinson on How I Met Your Mother not because he’s playing straight but because he’s very funny. He made the issue of his sexuality disappear without desexualizing himself. He can get the girl and sing about the boys, and it all works. The public’s perception of gay men is shifting because of this guy, and they’ll be too entertained to notice. That’s more than a good trick. That’s magic.

ASHTON KUTCHER by P. Diddy:
I first met Ashton Kutcher when we were both on MTV. He was doing Punk’d, and I was doing Making the Band. For a while, with Jamie Foxx, we were a rat pack, hanging out, going to clubs. I remember one night he was with Demi, maybe for the first time, and a couple of weeks later he called to tell me he was in love. That was the end of our clubbing.

But we are still friends. Not that cliché of “Let’s make a movie, let’s do a deal.” He is a sounding board for me. Like me, he’s a mogul — a new-media mogul. But we are yin and yang: I am in your face, but he is understated, cool, suave.

Most of us want to make as much money as we can, but Ashton, 32, is out to make the world a better place. He is smart — smart enough to leave Punk’d when he could still be making money at it. He has to have a heart in what he does. What he and Demi do with Twitter is a good example. Most people use it to promote themselves, but he uses Twitter to connect, to strike up conversations, to send positive messages to the millions of people who read his words. This guy will show us the future. And it’s gonna be a blast.

[From Time Magazine]

You can read more excerpts here, just click on the name.

This list totally sucks. I don’t even have words. Any list that would include Ashton Kutcher as most influential anything… just don’t. Ugh.