TMZ is claiming that the woman above, driving Lindsay Lohan, is Lindsay’s new lesbian lover. She’s Israeli! Her name is allegedly Eilat Anschel, and she’s a former member of the Israeli Defense Force (IDF). That sounds really handcore, and it totally is, but Israeli women are obligated to serve their country’s military, just like the men. So there are many, many women who are “former IDF” – although they would probably consider themselves current IDF members, considering they would be able to serve in combat still if they were drafted for the task. Anyway, TMZ’s sources claim that Eilat met “a while ago” in LA, after Eilat finished up her IDF duties, and that things have gotten “pretty serious over the last month” as Lindsay uses Eilat as “a shoulder to cry on” with her SCRAM/crackhead dramz. Lindsay‘s friends are also totally worried about this new love because: “It’s not the healthiest relationship in the world.” Apparently Lindsay is already “obsessing” over the Eilat. Poor Eilat. She has no idea how bad it’s going to get. She’s got years of crack-tweets and crack-drama and Lohan Mayhem coming her way, I think.

In other Lohan news, remember how Lindsay claimed that a waitress punched her in her crackface on her birthday? Initially, the story went that the waitress – named Jasmine Waltz – punched Lindsay because the women had some kind of beef over Doug Reinhardt (Paris Hilton‘s ex), and both Lindsay and Jasmine were fighting over Doug’s affections or something. According to Lindsay‘s “friend” DOug was right there for the whole thing and he “didn’t want any part of it and went to the other side of the booth. Lohan ran out.” And after that, Lindsay went to another club and Jasmine was there, and “Lohan showed up and cried because the waitress was there as well. Some birthday.”

Turns out that was all bullsh-t, though. Lindsay tried to get a little more sympathy by telling Radar that “I’m ok now” only to be one-upped by this Jasmine chick giving her story to Radar. Jasmine tells Radar that her beef with Lindsay was not about Doug Reinhardt, but about British rugby player Danny Cipriani:

Jasmine Waltz — who has dated Ryan Seacrest, pop star Jesse McCartney and Paris Hilton’s ex Doug Reinhardt — broke her silence on the incident, in an exclusive interview with RadarOnline.com.

“All I have to say is that disturbed little train wreck is delusional!” Waltz told RadarOnline.com. “I did not hit her… but I’d like to.”

As Lohan marked her birthday Thursday at Los Angeles nightspot Voyeur, she took to Twitter to complain about the alleged assault.

“A waitress just hit me – punched me for no reason,” she wrote.

She told RadarOnline.com Friday: “I’m OK, now.”

Lohan left the nightclub following the confrontation, but later bumped into Waltz at her next destination, Rockstar House. The root of the apparent tension between the pair is reportedly a three-way love triangle between Lohan, Waltz and British rugby player Danny Cipriani. Cipriani was partying alongside Lohan at her party and is reportedly also a former flame of Waltz.

[From Radar]

We could play around with those words all day: “that disturbed little train wreck is delusional.” How about “that delusional crackhead better watch her bony train wreck ass”? Or “that train wreck is a crackhead who suffers from delusions of martyrdom and importance”? Or how about “bitch please, Doug f-cking Reinhardt?”

And finally, the last of the weekend/birthday drama for Lindsay: Lindsay caused her assistant Elinore (the one who quit and came back) to get a traffic citation – she ran a stop sign, because Lindsay was running late. So what did Lindsay do? She jumped out of the f-cking car! Elinore wasn’t just charged with running a stop sign, she was cited for concealed plates and front tinted windows – and it wasn’t her car. Crackheads, all of them.

Here are lots of photos of Lindsay out partying with Eilat and Ali: