Can you guys believe that somehow, somewhere, I pulled the name “Rebecca Loos” out of my memory bank? I really do have an encyclopedic memory for crap. It’s not like I even care about David and Victoria Beckham’s marriage – but I do enjoy a good cheatin’ scandal, especially if there have been notable harbingers of doom in the preceding years. And that brings me to Rebecca Loos – she was David’s personal assistant back in 2003-2004. She and Becks had a torrid affair in multiple cities as she traveled with him everywhere. Then she began selling her story to outlets, and everyone was like “Oh, yeah, this happened, and it was probably pretty hot too.” Long story short, David and Victoria fought back, sort of, and they stuck together, and it seemed like they were stronger than ever, especially these past few years. And now In Touch Weekly is all “Hey, Posh, your husband was boning a hooker.”

In a worldwide exclusive interview with In Touch, Irma Nici, a former high-class call girl, claims she’s slept with the world’s most famous soccer star, David Beckham, five times in 2007 and spills every dirty detail of their affair. “It was a high,” Irma, 26, tells In Touch. “All of these women dream of being with him, and I got to hook up with him. It was very exciting.”

Irma claims that after agreeing on a price of $10,000 to stay the night, the two spent the next hour engaged in steamy foreplay. Irma says she then “whipped out” a condom and the two had sex for 15 minutes, but it was “nothing freaky,” she remembers. “He was very gentle and kind.” On a scale of 1 to 10, Irma rates David a 7½ as a lover. “He knew what he was doing.” She also recalls that David used lotion from the hotel bathroom to pleasure himself. “It was perfumed, so it kind of burned him!”

During their initial sexual encounter, David even opened up about wife of 11 years, Victoria. Irma says that David told her he preferred Victoria’s old curvier body. “He was saying that he liked her body more before,” she says. David also revealed to Irma that he is “more of a butt man than a breast man.”

[From In Touch Weekly]

On one side, I think it’s pretty cheesy that they had to reach back to 2007 for a cheating scandal. On the other side, I think this probably happened, and that Victoria may have even known. I think Victoria “allows” David’s indiscretions as long as he is discreet. It’s not so much an open marriage, but maybe it’s an old-fashioned “let the man do what he wants as long as he comes home to me” marriage. And maybe it’s a victory for Posh – after all, David hired a hooker rather than become entangled in an actual love affair with a friend or colleague, you know? Eh. I’m struggling for the silver lining. Anyway, I doubt this will damage their marriage.

Also: Beckham’s perfumed, burning dong? LOVE. And I love that he told the hooker he preferred Posh’s old body. Gain some weight, Posh!

UPDATE: Us Weekly has the Beckhams’ formal denial. According to their rep, In Touch’s allegations “are completely untrue and totally ridiculous, as the magazine was clearly told before publication. Sadly we live in a world where a magazine can print lies and believe they can get away with it. We are taking legal action against the magazine.” A source also tells the mag that David and Victoria will “fight this. They’re fed up with people trying to tear them apart. Their love is strong.”