An open letter from the desk of Clive Owen:

Hello, ladies. It’s been a while, I know. Wait… what’s that? Can someone please get this woman off of me? She’s humping my leg. There we go, sweetheart. On you go. Yes, I’ll take your panties, thank you. Now, let’s move on, shall we?

So, yes, here I am in… where am I? Madrid. I’m not one of those dudes who show up for the opening of an envelope. I only attach my name to important things, like serious dramas, or a line of sparkly vibrators. Just kidding! Wow, that was an audible gasp! Anyway, this event in beautiful Madrid is for Chivas. If you want to get all liquored up and throw your panties at me, please, I beg you, get drunk of Chivas 12. The bottle was designed by a young male artist… here he is:

Nice, right? I’m sure you’re imagining the two of us kissing right now. You’re imagining my hand grazing his thigh…yes, I know. Anway, you see, I support the arts. Especially when supporting the arts also means chicks are going to get all liquored up. No, I jest. I’m much too good for that. I want you to be sober for what I’m going to do to you. Ha! Got you again, didn’t I?

So I’m at this event, and I’m working my gorgeous little tuft of coal-black chest hair and giving my best “would you like the handcuffs?” look to the camera, and suddenly, they hand me this beautiful girl named Eugenia Silva.

She’s a Spanish model, and in some of these photos she’s clutching me. Don’t worry, that always happens. Women can’t help it. I could ask to borrow a thousand dollars, and wind up in an orgy of supermodels. Of course I might be shooting Miss Silva my very special “Are you wearing panties?” look that I reserve for very special women. But that doesn’t mean anything, and you should definitely NOT fly to Spain and hunt her down with an automatic weapon, okay? There’s still plenty of Clive to go around, ladies.

Photos courtesy of WENN.