**THIS ENTIRE POST IS A SPOILER FOR LAST NIGHT’S FINALE OF PROJECT RUNWAY**

So… I quit this bitch. I’ve been a loyal Project Runway viewer for eight long seasons. There have been highs and lows, I’ve cried, I’ve laughed, I’ve yelled at the television screen, but after last night’s finale, I’ve finally had enough. A couple of months ago, Tim Gunn gave an interview in which he claimed that the PR judges had some moments where, he felt, they were “smoking crack.” This whole season might be the case in point.

Shall I just summarize what went down before I go full-blown with my rant? The first part of the show was a brief get-together of all of the designers from this season. Instead of talking trash and getting bitchy with each other – like in seasons past – they just used the get together to show compilations/summaries of the final three designers, Gretchen, Mondo and Andy. At one point, I thought it was going to get good when it seemed like some of the designers were going to take Gretchen to task for being an untalented, two-faced bitch, but Tim Gunn, Heidi and even Mondo (!) defended Gretchen’s dumbass, and made the whole thing about “feminism” – which is a peeve. You can’t use “feminism” as an excuse to avoid calling a woman out on their history of unprofessionalism, nastiness and bullsh-t. Like “oh, she’s a girl, it’s un-feminist to call her out.” The act of treating a woman differently just because she’s a woman is the un-feminist thing – and if a man had acted like Gretchen, his ass would have been called out long ago. He would be “the villain” of the show, and openly despised.

So that part only lasted about 20 minutes, and then the final three moved onto to the last-minute work of their collections. Finally, the runway at Fashion Week. Gretchen’s collection comes first… and it’s a parade of fug. Monotone baby-sh-t brown, repetitive fabrics and patterns, three outfits with DAMN KNIT GRANNY PANTIES. Unflattering pants, and everything with the vibe of “Sante Fe flea market meets WalMart”. I will give Gretchen two things: there was one little below-the-knee dress that I thought was cute, and her styling greatly improved. That’s it.

Onto to Andy – repetitive colors, this time in that amazing green, beige and an interesting ice-blue. I actually liked Andy’s collection a lot, and I thought he was doing some really beautiful pants and jackets. Plus, his stuff looked really expensive and sophisticated, in my opinion. He had the most “adult” collection of the three, I thought. The judges disagreed, but whatever. Andy’s collection was a pleasant surprise, and I liked the touches of Asian influence, which I did not think were overkill. I also thought Michael Kors should have found a different descriptor rather than “Orientalism”. RACIST. HATE-SPEECH.

Last, Mondo. First thing – I loved his suit! I loved that he didn’t dress crazy for Fashion Week, you know? He looked adorable in his suit. Not like Gretchen in her see-through dress and, that’s right, BIG F-CKING GRANNY PANTIES. Back to Mondo – I was disappointed in his collection, even though he had several of my favorite pieces. I loved those “crazy pants” – the slim-cut plaid pants that looked like a Burberry acid trip. I loved his cocktail dresses. I hated that hot-pink and black tunic the judges loved. I loved Mondo’s leggings and his skirts too.

So, in my mind, the competition was between Mondo and Andy. Shock of all shocks, Heidi and the judges quickly torpedoed Andy for vague reasons (“He still has some growing to do”???). Also: I ended up liking Jessica Simpson as a judge. She was better than I was expecting, even though she looked like hell and talked like she was chewing on funions the whole time. She was opinionated, and she stood her ground when debating Mondo vs. Gretchen. It quickly came down to Michael Kors and Nina Garcia promoting Gretchen’s potential ready-to-wear WalMart collection versus Heidi and Jessica promoting Mondo’s unique, couture collection. Kors and Garcia were pissing me off so much, and they sounded SO out of touch: “This is what women want to wear, this is what’s happening in fashion RIGHT NOW.” Bullsh-t. I don’t know any women that want to look like they stepped out of a Santa Fe flea market in knit granny panties. I really thought Jessica and Heidi were going to convince them…

But they didn’t. Gretchen was the winner. The nastiest, most unprofessional, talentless bitch won. It was disgusting.

So goodbye, Project Runway. We had some good times, but it’s over now. Don’t call me.