Lindsay Lohan has a “stalker”. So she says. This stalker is apparently calling and texting her and saying “disparaging” stuff about her recovery. Okay… who was it? I know it was one of you bitches. Don’t look at me! I keep my rage at the Family Crackhead confined to these pages. Why would I call her and tell her what I think of her crack hustle when I could spend that time looking up photos of David Gandy? It was one of you bitches, I know it.

Lindsay Lohan is afraid she’s being targeted by a stalker — and the threat is so real that people at Betty Ford are taking measures to protect her … TMZ has learned.

Sources familiar with the situation tell TMZ Lindsay has been receiving harassing phone calls and text messages from unknown numbers — and the unidentified person behind them has been making disparaging statements about her recovery … and her family.

Even scarier, the unknown person is saying he/she knows where Lindsay is staying and is watching her.

We’re told Betty Ford officials are so concerned, they’re moving their most famous patient to a more secure, private facility.

We’re also told BF has limited Lindsay’s outings out of concern for her safety.

[From TMZ]

Gee, I wonder what other features this “more secure, private facility” has. Perhaps window bars that can easily be popped off? A fire door with a broken alarm? Does anyone else wonder if this is all some elaborate crack hustle in which Lindsay will end up “kidnapped” on Christmas Eve and “forced” to do drugs by her “stalker”? Does this stalker have a smoker’s rasp? Does the stalker smell like tequila, cigarettes and that “new lip” smell? Did the stalker leave an odd, oozing orange trail? Because if any of those things are true, the “stalker” could be anyone in the Family Crackhead.