As you know, while I am not particularly a fan of Robert Pattinson as an actor, I do enjoy him as a person. He consistently gives charming, sweet, and funny interviews, and he often reveals himself to be quite swoon-worthy in real life, in addition to his swoon-worthiness as Edward “Sparkles” Cullen. Pattinson sat down for an interview with Elle magazine, likely to promote Water for Elephants, although he barely talks about that movie. Instead, we get Sparkles’ attempt to butch it up a bit, I think. Which is out of character! He talks about his secret desire to beat the hell out of a paparazzo, and then he kind of messes it up by referring to himself as “girly” and talking about how he’s terrified of driving. The full Elle piece is here, and these are some of this highlights.

ELLE: How great a novel is Guy de Maupassant’s novel Bel Ami [which Robert is starring in]?
ROBERT PATTINSON: Amazing. One of my favorites. The script was really good too; Duroy has kind of changed a little bit. He’s so cynical in the book, but now he’s so convinced that he knows everything and that he’s been wronged, that he ends up being very earnest. He realizes that the whole world he lives in is based on a lie; it angers him so much that he basically wants to burn the whole thing down…and in trying to enjoy everything, he becomes what he hates most: a pompous little sh-t.

ELLE: So you relished playing a sleazy journalist?
RP: I like the section where he gets a job as a gossip writer and in a completely banal way just makes stuff up—uses the same story and changes the names. I think that still is very, very true.

ELLE: It was once reported that you were pregnant.
RP: Yeah, a couple years ago. That was true, though.

ELLE: Have you ever fantasized about doing something to destroy the “Twilight image” of you?
RP: You know, when the whole thing dries up and there’s hardly any paparazzi around—I don’t know, in 15 years or something—I like the idea of just one paparazzo coming out and trying to get a picture, and I just beat the sh-t out of him. I mean—out of nowhere—when my picture’s not even worth…and I’ve spent all my money, so you can’t sue me!

ELLE: Is your idea of hell to end up at age 45 posing with Twilighters at a comic book convention?
RP: I mean, that would be totally fine—if I didn’t have any responsibilities, if it didn’t affect my career anymore. I did a couple of those after Harry Potter, when I was totally unemployed. You can have so much fun. There are so many weirdos there.

ELLE: Have you had many near-death experiences?
RP: Yes, loads. I am the worst driver in the world. Every time I get in a car, I call up my parents and say goodbye.

ELLE: Here’s a line from Maupassant: “The essence of life is the smile of round female bottoms, under the shadow of cosmic boredom.” Any thoughts?
RP: That is an absolutely true quote. Round female bottoms are very much a miracle.

ELLE: What would have to happen to make tonight unforgettable? Anything you want.
RP: I just got a little dog, so I’m having a very girly night here with my pup, a rescue mutt. It’s going to sound like I’m making this up.

ELLE: Have you seen the documentary Robsessed?
RP: I’ve seen bits, because someone said, “All your friends are being interviewed in it and talking about you,” and I was like, “What the f-ck?” So I watched it. I love these people pretending to be my friends and pretending to have met me, having insider knowledge—and actually some kind-of-famous people who’ve never met me, they just destroy their credibility in one swoop. The one frightening thing is they’ve got it on iTunes, and I looked at all the comments and almost every single comment was, “Who is this idiot making a documentary about himself? Who does he think he is?”

ELLE: What are some descriptions of you that you’ve had enough of?
RP: I never got the “brooding” thing. I’ve had about enough of that.

ELLE: What would you like to replace it with?
RP: Brooded. “Rob Pattinson looking brooded.” Brooded: It’s, like, after you’ve finished brooding.

[From Elle Magazine]

He has a wonderful ability to toss off some really great one-liners. I love “Every time I get in a car, I call up my parents and say goodbye.” And “Round female bottoms are very much a miracle.” Here’s what I don’t get: all of the little Twihard girls out there are obsessed (Robsessed) with Pattinson because of Twilight, and thus, their obsession is based on the CHARACTER. Why go for some sparkly vampire when the real dude is so adorable?

Photos courtesy of WENN and Elle.