I just got finished writing about that incredibly stupid OK! Magazine “Bride Wars” cover story, which pitted Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston against each other because SEVEN YEARS LATER it’s still happening every damn week. So I thought I would take one for the team and pit the boys against each other. Justin Theroux and Brad Pitt have dueling interviews/photo shoots today. First, Justin Theroux appears in a GQ feature in which his chest hair is rippling in the wind because he’s channeling Al Pacino in Serpico. Er… thoughts? I know some of you like Theroux, and he’s definitely better than many of Jennifer’s boyfriends, but DO NOT date a guy who would ever channel Al Pacino in a photo shoot unless you are actually dating Al Pacino. I don’t care if it’s for GQ. I don’t care if the guy is totally super-cool. It’s really UNcool, okay? You can read Justin’s GQ interview here and an excerpt is below.

Justin Theroux on European roads: “it’s great, it’s like riding on carpet… Asphalt carpet.”

–He has a “dork voice”: He drops words like “funnily” and “oomph” and “beeswax figurines.” He talks about his personal soundtrack—”If I’m in scenic country, a little Nouvelle Vague on the iPod.”

On his beard: “You establish all sorts of mannerisms with [a beard]. Like when you’re bored, you can feather your mustache.” And how did women respond to it? Women such as Aniston? “Certain chicks dig it; certain chicks don’t.” A few days after our photo shoot, the beard is gone.

[From GQ]

Hipster douche. That’s what he seems like to me. Like he’s trying too hard, like he’s desperate to keep his hipster cred while dating tabloid-darling and publicist-maintained Jennifer Aniston. Now I’m also starting to wonder if he’s dating Jennifer for some kind of ironic, hipster reason. Like, this relationship might be a James Franco-esque art project for Theroux.

On to Brad Pitt – he covers the new issue of Entertainment Weekly, and here are some highlights:

On producers wanting him to start in TV: “You know, when I first started, they were trying to get me into sitcoms — I think because I had that kind of Wonder Bread look and my hair always went into place. I kept saying, ‘I’m not good at sitcoms. I don’t know how to do that. . . . But that [his Friends cameo] was a little bit later, and I like those guys. They’re a great bunch of guys. The movies I loved were a complete 180 from situation comedy, and that’s what I wanted to head towards.”

On winning Sexiest Man Alive: “Well, they’re not saying you’re the Biggest A–hole, you know? When you get older, you realize it’s just for fun. Clooney and I were able to have fun with it later. But in some ways, I’m still a kid from Missouri and Oklahoma, and I’m trying to find my way. By the way, we’re only talking about a blip. I didn’t spend much time thinking about it.”

On Mr. & Mrs. Smith: “A husband and wife who actually want to kill each other — I thought that was a launching pad for something really fun and vibrant. Again, that was something we were developing as we were going along, and Angie’s a great partner in that. We work really well together. We had some good workshops beforehand. Had some good laughs and ideas. That was just a great collaboration that turned into a greater collaboration.”

On his and Angelina’s rule not to work while the other is: “We should be doing them together — that’s what we should be doing. We should be doing everything together, and then we could work less. We could have more time off.”

[From EW/Pop Sugar]

Now, there’s some douche in this one too, trust me. But I think Brad has come a long way, and during most interviews, I get the feeling that Brad just flips on his “Brad the Professional” switch and does his shtick. Basically, I find Brad WAY hotter. His hair, though… it’s grown out from the “hot” phase and now he just reminds me of Tom Brady.

Oh, and I can’t find Brad’s Parade interview anywhere. It’s possible Wonderwall just jumped the gun and released their excerpts too early. I’ll post it when the story comes out.

Photos courtesy of GQ, Just Jared, WENN.