This week’s In Touch Weekly is a doozy. Of course, it’s all about how Angelina Jolie is a horrible person and a bad mother because a decade ago she was doing drugs and OMGOMG OMGOMG SHE KISSED HER BROTHER. Something like that. Actually, In Touch editors tried to ground the story in something real – currently, Angelina and Brad are being sued by one of their former assistants, a woman named Ana Charlotiaux. This woman claims she was “wrongfully terminated” simply because she asked for too much time off, and she’s brought a lawsuit against Brangelina. In Touch uses the idea that this lawsuit COULD “reveal” horrible information about Angelina (never Brad). But! In Touch didn’t speak to Ana Charlotiaux, they only spoke to “another assistant and staffers” who of course remain nameless (and likely fictitious). Here are some highlights from the story:

*An old friend says: “Angelina tries to hide it, but she has a crazy side to her that’s beyond quirky. In the end, she just can’t hide the crazy.”

*Angelina is still fascinated by blood. “When Angelina’s kids get cuts and scrapes, she saves their discarded bandages in a large jar. She thinks she’s being edgy and artistic, but to others, she just seems weird.”

*Angelina’s behavior is often compulsive. She’s replaced her former drug addictions with shopping online for hours, buying thousands of dollars worth of clothes and jewelry.

*Another compulsion: working out. An employee shares, “She locks herself in the basement every day and exercises for hours. No one is to bother her during that time.” Apparently, she uses the workouts “as a way to escape her family.”

*Angelina and Brad love to go out and get bombed. A staffer reveals that while in London, “Angelina and Brad more than once left kids locked up with supervision in their hotel bedrooms and left them behind to go out drinking – a pastime they both seem to enjoy.” While in Budapest, Angelina and Brad rented a hotel suit where they enjoyed a nice meal and lots of wine while their kids stayed on an entirely different floor. A staffer says, “They do this quite frequently. They had a bottle of red wine with their meal that night, and then they went down to the bar and drank even more.” Then Brad and Angelina slept in the next morning and weren’t there for their kids’ breakfasts! SCANDAL.

*Angelina has weird eating habits, “sometimes eating only one type for days at a time.” An employee says, “She became obsessed with soup. Light soups that didn’t have a cream base – that became the constant request.” A family insider says, “Her daily diet varies – sometimes it will be just green tea and nuts. Other days, it will be red meat and red wine, and then back to tea and some tiny portion of protein.

*Although she claims to not care about what’s written about her, a source says, “Angelina browses blogs looking for stories about her family.”

*Angelina throws out leftover food. OMG.

*Angelina is “very strict and very hard” with their staff. “One time, a young assistant was pleading and crying to keep her job, but Angelina coldly turned her away.” Brad, however, plays the good guy. “He is very easygoing and never fires anyone. It’s clear that he’s not the boss – she is!”

*Angelina isn’t a laid-back mom – “She has the kids do their homework over and over until its perfect.”

*Angelina sometimes skips meals and opts for juice fasts, and sometimes she’ll only eat “one bite” of what the chefs prepare.

Now, considering the In Touch Weekly article actually featured a photo of Angelina with Photoshopped devil horns (NO JOKE), how seriously should we take it? Isn’t this just straight-up anti-Angelina propaganda? The thing is that I could actually believe some of it if it wasn’t being twisted around to sound like ANGELINA IS THE DEVIL OMG. Like, I believe Angelina and Brad leave their kids “locked up” in hotel suites (with nannies) while they go out and have a date night. I believe Angelina doesn’t eat enough. I believe she probably shops online and has other compulsive behaviors – she seems hyper-organized at times, and it wouldn’t surprise me at all if she was OCD. As for the “keeping bloody bandaids in a jar” thing – gross. God knows.

Photos courtesy of WENN.