Jessica Simpson’s absolute bomb of a move, “Major Movie Star,” must be kept under lock and key. Though the film’s been released to glorious box office returns in Russia, there still isn’t so much as a trailer –even on YouTube. Keeping something so legendarily bad off YouTube must take a lot of effort.

Today it was announced that the film is being retitled, to the even more awesome “Private Valentine: Blonde & Dangerous.” Feel free to laugh your ass off. It’s also going straight to DVD in the states. And I’m guessing that even given the DVD shame, the film still has further to fall. There’s always the dollar bin at Blockbuster.

Jessica Simpson’s Major Movie Star may have opened No. 1 in Russia earlier this month – but it’s not having as much success stateside. The flick will be renamed Private Valentine: Blonde & Dangerous, and released only on DVD in America, a source confirms to Usmagazine.com.

The movie – about a ditzy movie star who enlists in the army to earn money to pay her bills – is slated to hit stores Feb. 3. The film will still premiere in Bulgaria next month, but, as Fox News points out, it will not have a release date in any country in which English is the primary language.

Simpson’s rep had no comment.

Simpson’s last movie, Blonde Ambition, hit video store shelves after showing in just eight Texas theaters, and earning about $1,300.

[From Us Weekly]

Wow, that’s major embarrassment. I can’t help but wonder if Jess feels the appropriate amount of shame. I’m glad the studio cares enough about the American public not to inflict this supposed monstrosity upon us. But doing it to other countries isn’t very nice either.

If nothing else, at least this means snippets will finally end up on YouTube, and we can see just how truly mortifying this movie really is – without paying the $1 it’s worth.

Here’s Jessica leaving Madeo in Los Angeles on October 1st. Images thanks to WENN.