Olivia Wilde (Ol’ Cockburn) is the April cover girl for Marie Claire magazine, likely to promote her supporting role in The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, which stars Jim Carrey and Steve Carell. While I think Carell looks funny, Jim Carrey’s inclusion is making me wonder about the film, and Olivia’s casting is just… ugh. Why does Hollywood keep trying to make her into a thing?! Anyway, do you remember how Olivia used to be a PRINCESS until her vadge died while she was married to Tao Ruspoli and now that she’s with Jason Sudeikis her vadge is alive and they “have sex like Kenyan marathon runners”? Yeah. This Marie Claire interview is a lot like that.

She keeps talking about her ex-husband: “I had grown up with Tao; we had just drifted. I felt I had something to prove. If you fall off a horse, you get back up. I am not a quitter. I hung on for as long as possible, until it was more hurtful to stay … I’m so grateful for the pain and the heartbreak. It gave me the courage to leave and brought me the great love of my life.”

Marrying Tao in 2003: “I grew up being told by my parents each time they went off to war that they may explode, so I needed to know how things like the gadgets in the kitchen worked. When we got married, Iraq had just been invaded. My parents said marrying was an optimistic thing to do in pessimistic times.”

Meeting Jason Sudeikis in 2011: “I was just learning to be by myself. We were both seeing people but were single. He seemed to really see me, see through the b––t. He said very few words and couldn’t keep eye contact. He was so handsome and he could dance… I thought, ‘He won’t be interested in me; I’m not a contender.’ He was so cool, so funny – I was such a fan of his and had always fancied his speed and his intelligence. He’s a brilliant actor with a brain like lightening… I thought ‘I’m not beautiful enough or his type.’ I couldn’t wait to sit down and hear him talk.”

Her first date with Jason: On our first date, in New York City, we closed the restaurant down at 2 a.m.! He didn’t kiss me, and I was madly in love. I was overwhelmed.” What attracted her to Sudeikis the most? “He was never overly flirtatious. He had patience and sincerity and kindness. No presumptuousness. He didn’t ever exhibit any signs of sh–tiness; he was always considerate.”

She wants babies: “I can’t wait for children. I’m open-minded about how many, but three, which I love, is like a little party. I am not trying to have kids now – there’s no strict plan for anything in my life. What happens, happens. He’s so good with kids … I’ve never before experienced looking at someone and thinking, ‘That’s who I want to raise a child with.’ ”

Early days in Hollywood: “It was helpful to have the confidence of youth that came from a lack of desperation. I thought, If I don’t succeed I’ll go back to school and study.” Taken on by casting director Mali Finn, Wilde sorted headshots and made coffee until Finn eventually suggested — “probably just as a favor to me” — that Wilde, a veteran of theater camps and school plays, audition for her.

Being cast in Skin, a failed drama at the age of 19: “It was the worst thing you’ve ever seen in your life,” Wilde says vehemently. “I learned on the job, which was a gift. All actors should experience public failure. It took me back to square one. I was only 19, but I never took the bulls–t that surrounds the business seriously again. I’ll never believe in it. It was false love, fickle, I will never fall prey to it.”

She’s a walking self-help book: “It is so clichéd, but communication, that both of us should never stop talking. Trust. Jason has a very trusting way. There is no other way to go through life. I trust work, directors — I don’t live in fear. All good experiences have come from trusting the universe. There is no other way to live or love. Otherwise, you create your own prison.”

[From Marie Claire]

Olivia also touches upon the controversy surrounding her “dying vagina” comments last year, although I think in the wake of this interview – in which she seems on the verge of describing exactly what Jason’s dong looks like – is moot. Olivia had no claim to privacy last year during her “performance art” speech which was given in public, and after which she spoke to a member of the media. And she has no real claim to privacy now – she’s telling us everything about her relationship with Jason, for the love of God. But I imagine she’ll still complain about how people are invading her space, etc.

Photos courtesy of Marie Claire.