Good news everyone — these are brand new Tom Cruise photos! I’ve been jonesing for a few weeks as Tom has geared up for his Oblivion promotional tour because when it comes to the Cruise, I’m a lot like Kaiser with Tom Hiddleston photos, but very different too. I mean, it’s obviously not a sex thing (ha!) with Tom. I just need to see the lifts every so often because I see it as a sign of balance in the universe, so when I saw that Tom attended the Buenos Aires premiere of Oblivion, and we didn’t have access to the photos, I grew dispondent. Kaiser and CB thought my reaction was hilarious, but honestly, I started to whine pathetically like that heroin girl in the Evil Dead red-band trailer. I solemnly said to the internet, “You. Need. To. Get. Me. Those. Lifts. NOW.” Sadly, no dice.

As a close second (as in no lifts), here are some photos of Tom in Rio de Janiero on Thursday. His hair looks very Simon Cowell-esque, don’t you think? His eyes are especially crazy. I implore you to enlarge this photo and gaze into the madness.

Hopefully, we’ll see some actual premiere pictures soon. In the meantime, a story in this week’s Enquirer puts forth the amusing scenario of Tom being all upset with Katie Holmes for daring to sex it up a little bit in some recent jewelry ads and her oily, beachy Allure spread that (to quote Kaiser) made Katie look “like she’s been boning someone hot at the beach.” Allegedly, Tom is all kinds of angry that Katie would shame Suri by daring to be a little sexy instead of continuing to act like a perfect Scientology Stepford wife. Here are the details:

An irate Tom Cruise is upset with his ex Katie Holmes over her steamy poses in a series of eye-popping photos, sources say. The doe-eyed beauty let it all hang out in a sizzling new ad campaign in wich she’s made to look naked and barely covering her breasts with her hands.

Besides that, 34-year-old Katie got wet and wild on the cover of the April issue of Allure magazine, appearing to be topless and dripping wet with a sultry, come-hither look on her face.

“Tom is fit to be tied over Katie’s red-hot new image,” and insider told the Enquirer. “It is sure to burn him up because he thinks Katie is deliberately trying to rub his nose in her sassy single-girl persona.

“It seems as if Katie’s trying to get back at Tom for forcing her to live under his controlling ways for so long. The pictures might also be a way of Katie pointing a finger in Tom’s face and saying, ‘Eat your heart out, buddy — this is what you’re missing!”

Katie’s provocative poses made worldwide headlines, and the 50-year-old Mission: Impossible hunk read her the riot act for putting herself on public display like that, says the source. Tom is concerned about her sweet motherly image going to pot and their 6-year-old daughter Suri being embarrassed by the photographs, according to the source.

“The bottom line is that it galls Tom to no end that he doesn’t have the power to call the shots with Katie anymore,” says the source.

The former “Dawson’s Creek” cutie shredded her girl-next-door image by appearing in various states of undress in an ad campaign for the upscale Brazilian jeweler H. Stern. In one phot, she appears to be slipping out of her bikini top, while other shots show her flaunting her sexy body.

“The photos in the H. Stern ads are extremely hot,” noted the source. “If Katie were still married to Tom, there’s no way he’d have signed off on them. Katie had to know that releasing the photos now would drive Tom crazy.” Katie has posed for two previous H. Stern ad campaigns, but neither was as sex-sational as her latest photos.

“In the Allure magazine photos, Katie has tousled hair, wet skin, and smudged makeup,” said the source. “It seems as if she’s trying to recreate the look of a woman who’s just emerged from a wild lovemaking session.”

[From Enquirer, print edition, April 8, 2013]

Call me crazy (not like Cruise), but I honestly don’t think Katie did these steamy shoots to get back at Tom and show him what he’s been missing. I don’t think she puts that much thought into the dude other than to continually attempt to shake off the PTSD associated with six years of marriage to the tiny tyrant. I think Katie did these shoots to further her career and (hopefully) show Hollywood that she’s still capable of playing “sultry.” As for Tom’s feigned concern on behalf of Suri, I just have to say …. Tom-bitch, please. Katie wasn’t showing off anything improper at all. Tom’s just mad that he can no longer tell Katie what to do.

Photos courtesy of Pacific Coast News