I don’t want to oversell this or anything, but Peter Dinklage’s 20 Questions with Playboy is the funniest thing you’ll read this week. I know Dinklage was funny, charming, handsome, talented and lovely, of course. I’m a Dinklage Fan-Girl, of course I know all of his strengths. But before now, I did not realize just how awesome he is at giving interviews, and just how funny, witty, dry and lovely he is. I LOVE HIM. You should read the full Playboy piece here because I didn’t have room for the whole thing and ALL of his quotes are gems. Here are some highlights:

Playboy: When you won an Emmy, the announcer said that Game of Thrones is “filmed on location in Awesome Land.” Tell us more about this magical place called Awesome Land.
Dinklage: It’s in Northern Ireland. And Croatia, Morocco and Iceland, but mostly Northern Ireland. We shoot in a studio in Ireland where the Titanic was built. Not the movie but the ship that sank. That can’t be a good omen, can it? I love being over there. It’s like getting paid to be a tourist. Not that we have a choice. You can’t shoot a show like this in New Jersey.

Playboy: There’s a video on YouTube called “Peter Dinklage Gets So Much P-ssy” in which two guys talk about how much you’ve been getting laid since Game of Thrones. They estimate your sexual activity has increased 600 percent in the past few years. Does that sound about right?
Dinklage: It depends. By “p-ssy” do they mean actual p-ssy? Or is it a metaphor, like for gardening? Because if that’s the case, then yes, I’ve been doing a lot of gardening lately. If they mean sex, they might be getting me confused with somebody else. But if p-ssy means wearing old-man sweaters and watering my herb garden, then absolutely, I’m getting so much p-ssy.

Playboy: You are aware that you’re a sex symbol, right? Some might even call you a DwILF.
Dinklage: DwILF, as in Dwarf I’d Like to F–k? That’s very clever. Honestly, I think there’s an irony in all of this. I take it with a grain of salt. They’ll say, “Oh, he’s sexy,” but women still go for guys who are six-foot-two. It’s nice that people are thinking outside the box, but I don’t believe any of it for a minute.

Playboy: Have you stolen anything from a movie or TV set, such as your armor from Game of Thrones?
Dinklage: I wouldn’t want it. We’ve all been hurt from the armor so much more than saved by it. It really hurts. If you fall over while wearing that armor, you could get your throat slashed. We had a guy fall off the back of a horse, and if he hadn’t been wearing the armor, he would’ve been fine. But because he was covered from head to toe, he got banged up. It nearly killed him. That stuff is dangerous.

Playboy: During your Golden Globes acceptance speech, you mentioned Martin Henderson, who was partially paralyzed during a dwarf-tossing attack in Britain. Did you ever hear from him?
Dinklage: No. And he doesn’t need to call me. It’s fine. The whole thing was spontaneous. The morning of the awards my wife and I were having coffee, and she saw a story about him on the internet. She’s the one who told me, “You should say something.” And I was like, “No, no, I don’t want to be one of those actors with their political causes.” But the world is kind of f–ked-up, and sometimes you have to put a Band-Aid on the broken leg. My friends were less concerned with what I said than that I apparently brushed off Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie on my way to the stage. When you’re in that moment and you’re about to accept an award and you have no idea what you’re going to say, you don’t notice that Brad and Angelina are reaching out to say hello. All I saw was a sea of people I needed to get through. Friends don’t care about issues like dwarf tossing. They only care about “Dude, you dissed Brangelina.”

Playboy: Villechaize preferred to be called a midget. Do you consider the word offensive?
Dinklage: It’s like the N word among short-statured people. The etymology of the word is not good, but some of us have made it our own. We add an e with an accent at the end, so now it’s midgeté—sort of a French version. I have a friend—not a dwarf—who’s an alchemist of sorts. He concocted a men’s cologne that he calls Midgeté Midgeté. He gave me a bottle as a gift. I was thinking, We should totally put this on the market. You know how Jessica Simpson and Beyoncé have signature perfumes and make a mint? I’m thinking this cologne could be my ticket to fortune. When this Game of Thrones thing winds down, Midgeté Midgeté could be my next thing.

Playboy: You went to high school in New Jersey. How well did you deal with that?
Dinklage: High school is a funny thing. On one hand you’re so fragile. But I thought I was William Burroughs by the age of 13, so I had this massive ego as well. Everything in high school feels like it’s life or death. I went to a pretty athletic high school, and I didn’t have many friends. I remember once talking to my best friend, and we came up with the idea that we should hang ourselves off the bell tower. “That’ll show them.” We totally had no inclination to commit real suicide at all; we just liked the idea of the whole town responding to this tragedy, how the school would mourn. Oh God, we were so dramatic.

Playboy: You played Tina Fey’s boyfriend on 30 Rock. She reportedly wrote the part for you because she wanted a “show-mance” with you. How do you politely tell Tina Fey, “I’m sorry, but I’m married”?
Dinklage: Well, she’s married as well. And also, this is what we do for a living. You’ve blurred the line here, buddy boy. Seriously, though, even if she were single, I wouldn’t have a chance. The line of people who want Tina Fey’s attention is already way too long. We shot most of our scenes on the street in New York, and this was around the time she was doing her Sarah Palin impersonation on Saturday Night Live. She was like royalty at that time. I mean, she’s always royalty, but especially at that time. You’ve never seen somebody more beloved by an entire city. Strangers were constantly walking up and saying hello or telling her how much they loved her. It was insane to watch. I’ve never seen anything like it.

[From Playboy]

There’s also a hysterical exchange about how he used to “do puppet shows for mother and father” (LOL) and at one point he says, “Shut up, young me.” I also learned that he’s from New Jersey! And his mom met Bruce Springsteen when Bruce was a teenager. Magic! This is my new favorite interview!

Photos courtesy of WENN.