Emmy Rossum sort-of covers Esquire. I say sort-of because the cover is full of quotes from celebrities and is taken up by giant block lettering with a 90s dropshadow that reads “The Meaning of Life.” Emmy is featured as a grayscale thumbnail in the corner, which is just as well because she’s half naked. Our ad company has warned us not to post “strategically covered nudes,” which definitely describes these photos, so we could either post the Esquire photos of Emmy here and blur the hell out of them or you can just go see them over on E! They’re pretty revealing, Emmy is showing underboob and she’s in tiny panties. The Photoshopping makes Emmy look like more like a smooth doll than a person, as is typical for magazine spreads. It’s also very typical for Esquire to get women to undress and look sexy while making the men look manly. Here’s the cover:

Emmy’s interview with Esquire’s Ryan D’Agostino was conducted via Skype, and it’s very chatty. It’s just a transcript, which is a great idea because Esquire can editorialize and their journalists can be exceptionally harsh critics of celebrities. (We should talk, I know, but they do that.) So it’s nice to hear Emmy in her own words. She’s chatty and open, and she jokes about her pets, talks about how lucky she is, and describes helping a car accident victim outside her house. It’s pretty interesting:

She shows the guy around her house (on Skype)
Here’s a picture of Audrey [Hepburn] that I love. That’s not why I have her picture, though [because she played her in a movie]. I think she’s supercool. [Walking.] This is the room that everyone always hangs out in. This is the craft area. And that’s the kitchen. And this is my outside. I have a fire pit. And a garden. Thank you, Showtime! A little oasis of craftiness… That’s my little life.

On how she saved her cat but doesn’t like cats
I found her in Chicago. She was a stray, and she set up shop in my trailer. She was mean. I mean really mean. So this is Fiona G. Kitty. The ghetto kitty. I took her to a vet and they said she was probably dying of breast cancer. [Stroking cat, in a loving voice] Cancer Kitty. I hate cats. But this cancer cat made me feel bad, so I was like, Okay, I’ll take her back to L. A. and give her her last six months of pain-free life.

So I took her to the vet in L. A. and he was like, This is a beautiful cat. And I said, Yeah, but too bad about the cancer. And he said, What cancer? And I’m like, You know, the lump on her stomach. And he’s like, You mean the hernia? I can take that out when I neuter her. She’s gonna live twenty-five years! And I was like, You f*king cat with your lying cancer sob story.

She shows off her dog
So that’s Cinnamon. He’s real small… He has a really big penis.

The journalist asks if he can get a photo of the dog’s wang
No, that’s animal porn. But he has a huge penis.

How she got her dog
He was a present. [Out of the side ofher mouth, as if not wanting Cinnamon to hear] I wanted a Rhodesian ridgeback. But I had a really shitty boyfriend who gave him to me. [Normal voice] And, of course, when a really cute dog shows up on your doorstep, you can’t be like, Yeah, no. You’re like, Oh, yay, puppy! Also: Never get your girlfriend a pet that she didn’t know she was getting.

On being grateful
It’s amazing how things can be put into perspective for you so easily. Last weekend, I was pulling out of my house, and I saw a body in the road and blood everywhere. This guy had been hit by a car. I called 911 and stayed with him. You see how lucky you are to just be alive. All the Hollywood bullshit and accolades and money really doesn’t matter. It just gives you a slightly nicer house and slightly nicer food and slightly shinier hair.

[From Esquire]

I didn’t realize Emmy was kind of funny/crass. She reminds me of her character on Shameless and it sounds like she would be cool to hang out with. I like how grateful and matter-of-fact she sounds here. Hopefully the accident victim she helped is ok now.

As for her dog, which was an unwanted gift from a “sh*tty boyfriend,” I wonder who the boyfriend was. She was with Tyler Jacob Moore, the cop on Shameless, until this summer, and now she’s with another co-star, Jake McDorman (pictured below) who plays her boss.

I found another recent interview with Emmy in which she talks about her haircare, skincare, and fashion. She said that she’s her own stylist and that she gets ideas from Pinterest, which explains a lot.

Shameless comes back January 12, I can’t wait!

Photo credit: WENN.com