TV megaproducer Shonda Rhimes, 45, is at a point in her life where she’s doing whatever the hell she wants, telling it how it is and not letting fear or self-perceived weaknesses hold her back. She’s promoting her new memoir, Year of Yes, in which she describes how she decided to get out of her own way and just do the things she’s avoided up until now. She lost over 100 pounds in a year, challenged herself and came out the other side even more impressive than she already was.
The last we reported on Shonda we learned that despite her successful career she’s always feared live interviews. She described in her book how she forced herself to go on Jimmy Kimmel, “didn’t die,” and got it over with. In a new interview with Oprah, Shonda, a single mom who admits she has nannies, explained how she knew that she wanted kids early on and how she also knew she didn’t want to get married. Here’s some of what she told Oprah. Oh and Oprah totally related to the “not getting married” thing because she’s richer than God.
“I was able to finally stand up and say, ‘I don’t want to get married.’ At all,” Rhimes, 45, told Winfrey during an episode of SuperSoul Sunday. “I said that out loud. I said it to my family. I said it to my friends. I said it to anybody who asked. It’s never been a dream of mine…
“It’s a lot like the desire to want to have children in our society. You’re supposed to want it, and if you don’t want it, what’s wrong with you?”
While she makes the comparison, Rhimes also points out that she’s always known she wanted children, but never felt that way about getting married.
“I’m one of those people, since I was 5, I could tell you I was going to have kids. I could tell you I was going to have three. I could tell you they were going to be girls,” she added. “But I have never wanted to get married. I never played bride. I was never interested. I don’t know what it is; I never wanted to get married.”
Not so surprisingly, Winfrey, 61, shared the same sentiments as the mother-of-three.
“The moment [Stedman] asked me to marry him, I was like ‘Oh, God! Now I actually have to get married?'” Oprah said about the wedding that she and Graham agreed to postpone, but never spoke about again. “But what I realized is, I don’t want to be married.
“Because I could not have the life that I created for myself. I couldn’t do it.”
Rhimes agreed with Winfrey, adding that admitting their lack of desire for marriage out loud provides some sort of freedom from what she felt was “a dirty little secret.”
“It was really freeing to say it out loud,” Rhimes said.
Without getting too personal, I wish I had this kind of insight from a young age. I never realized it was an option to have kids without getting married, it just never occurred to me. Many women learn that marriage isn’t for them only through experience. It’s rare to hear someone nope out before they even try it, and I kind of love that about Shonda. Plus she wanted kids! I just bought Shonda’s book so prepare to hear me gush about her more in the future. (Unless her book sucks, but it’s the best selling self help book on Amazon now and has mostly five star reviews so I doubt that’s the case.) I’m not a huge fan of her shows, I thought Scandal was only good for the first two seasons and I could not get into How To Get Away With Murder, but I just enjoy her interviews a lot.
I can relate. I never thought, dreamt, cared about getting married. I didn’t live my life with marriage on the mind, but I did want children desperately. It did turn out that I’d be happily married, but I wasn’t seeking it out.
I’m with Shonda, from a very young age, I knew I wanted kids. As I grew older, I also completely bought into the idea of marriage, even though my parent’s marriage was quite awful.
Dating in my late teens and early 20’s, was a real eye opener. I was disappointed with the quality of men and began to question whether I needed to be married to have kids. I had a very good friend who felt the same way and we made a pact that if neither of us found a suitable partner, we’d adopt and parent together, she’s a woman but neither of us are lesbian, so it would have been a platonic relationship. We got along really well and had similar values.
In the end, we both got married and had our own children. Like any marriage, we’ve had good and bad times but after 20 years, I still really like my husband as a person and I feel I made a good choice. If I hadn’t found someone like him, I would have been quite ok with a Shonda scenario.
One thing that helped me choose a good partner was that I evaluated every guy I dated based on whether they’d be a good dad. The qualities I looked for included emotional maturity and stability, responsible, hard working and compassionate. I also wanted to make sure we had similar values so there wouldn’t be any parenting conflicts. I ended up married to someone who is very family and relationship oriented.
I also see a lot of marriages where the mom does the majority of the parenting and house work. I can’t imagine that dynamic being terribly satisfying .
The more options women and men have to define family, the better, including not having children.
There was this program on PBS where women at the top of their field were interviewed ( cannot think of the name) and she also talked about her domestic life, and that she does not have one. She has a staff to make sure her home is ran so she can spend her down time with her daughter. There were several other things she spoke of and I came away from having a new respect for her. No guilt, just a matter of fact talk about her life and choices.
When I was younger, I was the opposite. I wanted the marriage and was unsure about the kids.
Now I have/love the kids and am unsure about the marriage.
She’s fabulous all around.
sorry that you feel that way. sometimes nothing can be lonelier than being coupled with the wrong person.
Not getting married is one thing but kids need dads.
Yeah, as someone who grew up without a father, I do think it’s beneficial to have two parents.
I do agree that children develop better when they have multiple influences, both male and female in their life. I do think having two parents tends to work better than one. There are many people like Jessica who feel the absence of the other parent in their lives. If people do choose the single parent route I hope they have supportive friends and family who will offer significant contribution to child raising.
I was raised by a single mom and grandma who were the toughest women I know. I never once felt that I got shorted on not having a father. I was brought up knowing I was loved fiercely and that I was encouraged to live to the best of my ability. Single moms can and do raise great kids.
Same. I think they saying “kids need a father” is offensive to lesbian parents and single mothers who were abandoned and had no choice. You can have male role models in your life, like my brother did with his uncles, coaches, teachers, bosses, without having a father.
Some dads are absent even when they’re in the kids’ lives though. Some moms do all the parenting even when a dad is physically around. In Shonda’s case, the kids probably don’t know any other existence so they might not feel they’re missing out on anything.
No, kids need GOOD parents. I know many kids who grew up with horrible mom and dads. Even one good parent is enough to raise a child properly.
So true, what’s important isn’t the “perfect” nuclear family but the quality of the parenting in a child’s life. One good parent is better then two crappy parents imo. I had the two crappy parents, so I have some experience with it.
Yes – it’s all about the quality of parenting, not the number of parents or their gender.
I could see saying it benefits kids to have both positive male and female role models in their lives but that doesn’t necessarily have to come in the form of a parent.
She is gay. So I say BS to this article.
Yep.
I don’t want kids. At all. Ever. But I would love to find a romantic partner to share my life with. I could take or leave marriage itself. It’s more about finding a partner in life that matters to me.
I don’t think it’s not awesome, or awesome. Its her life and she can make whatever choices she wants and not be dictated to by what others/society expect but likewise not everyone who gets married/has kids is doing so out of some mindless drone bee mentality. So long as you’re doing what you want to do and are happy, then good luck to you.
I’m so happy that we live in a world where this is okay. I’m happily married with a bunch of kids (and both things were always my greatest desire)-but I want my own children to feel like they can make whatever choices they want that fulfill them.
I was the Opposite, all my Barbies were Von vivants with lofts and lots of boys to sleep with and kiss and fabulous Afternoon Long weddings officiated by Rambo Dolls that took up all the big living room but definitely no Kids EVER ever ever, I’ve always managed to bring dudes around to a neutral or Joyful “Ok, Then, No Kids” if not outright dealt with guys that didn’t want them either.
I can related to this b/c I can honestly say of all the things I’ve wanted in life over the years marriage was NEVER one of them, same for kids. I dont know but the whole ‘family’ style lifestyle never appealed to me. Maybe b/c I rarely, if ever knew any ‘happily’ married couples.
In fact it was usually after I spent time at my friends who were/are married with kids that I couldnt wait to get home to my own peaceful sanctuary.
Im not opposed to living with someone if I found the right person but at this point in my life he would have to be near perfect for me to give up my own space.
Idk, but I just don’t think everyone is mean to be with someone all the time. Everyone is wired differently when it comes to that stuff but idk, it just never appealed to me. Plus I’ve also been thru as many divorces as weddings with my friends so I do know the good, the bad and ugly that can come with marriage. I know less than 4 couples who are with their original husband and/or their kids actual fathers and thats coming from a lifetime of friends and acquaintances.
I’ve never wanted marriage or kids. I never dreamed of weddings or played with baby dolls as a kids. Of course, because I am a woman, I am judged harshly for this. Or even worse, talked down to with the “You’ll change your mind when you meet the right man…”(RAGE!!!!!!).
It used to really bother me when I was treated like my life was less than others because I didn’t want what society told me I should want. But as I have gotten older, I have come to not care at all. Judge away. I’ll just be over here living my life . And while there are good marriages out there, I have also learned from honest comment from friends and family that marriage and children is not as wonderful as we lead to believe.
Totally agree with you. I’m so sick and tired of hearing “Why aren’t you married yet? Is there something wrong with you?”. Uggghh. I’m sorry but marriage and kids seems like pure hell. I don’t know one single person who is happily married with children…not one. I’m not saying they don’t exist, but it’s rare to find. There is no law stating a person has to get married and have kids. Just do what makes you happy but for the love of God stop assuming everyone has to follow the same path in life.
Agree with both of you. I don’t want the marriage or the kids, but I would like to have some hot sex with a person of my choice before I get off this planet. 🙂
I think this is a great thing to be talking about, but I do wonder why Oprah says that she couldn’t have the life she has created if she was married. She’s still with her partner. That’s confusing to me.
I’m lucky to have a partner who supports me in what I want to do, but I do wonder what directions my life would take without him. This doesn’t seem to be what she is saying, though. What does she think would change if she were to marry?
I think she means she has the freedom to be as “selfish” as she wants to be. Live by yourself, sleep and eat when and where you want, take holidays without really having to consult the other person, etc. Love it!
But if she is already doing those things while in a relationship with Stedman, why does she think that would change if they got married?
Because she has said that she thinks there is certain expectations that come with being a “wife”. And I agree with that concept. They both love each other and live together, but they also have separate interests and like to do their own thing.
Interesting. While I disagree that that is necessarily true, I’m also from a different generation and have perhaps had less pressure put on my married relationship. After a six year long relationship prior to marriage, I was amazed how little changed when my partner and I did get married. We did it because we wanted to get married, but obviously not everyone does.
I wondered that myself, tealily. They’ve been together for a long time, and I assume share a life together, so I found it confusing that marriage would somehow change that for her. As if she would have suddenly quit her talk show or something had they gotten married? But if the idea of it bothers her, then I think it’s good she didn’t cave in to pressure and kept her life the way she likes it.
Yes! I’m glad she hasn’t married if she hasn’t wanted to. To be clear, I’m not advocating for marriage for anyone. I just wondered her motivations for her decision.
I got the impression that Oprah feels that her sense of responsibility to Stedman would be greater if she married.
She hasn’t said this, but Oprah does have a lot of money, so I can see why she’d be reluctant to marry if she doesn’t want to part with it.
DIdn’t Jlaw say something similar in her interview with Diane Sawyer, and Sawyer was sort of amazed, kind of showing the generation gap? I’m happy for men and women like Shonda who can choose single parenthood(Sandra Bullock, Connie Britton, Charlize Theron, can’t think of any men) but I don’t know anyone who is not pretty rich who actively chooses to be a single parent. Am I wrong? If I am, I willingly will say it!
I’m sure there are always exceptions to the rule, but that’s a good point, and it’s kind of sad. That would seem to indicate that there are a lot of women who are with their husbands for financial stability and not actually out of a desire to marry. And that’s a bummer.
I definitely think so tealily, on the financial stability thing! my friend married a much older guy for that reason and he is so useless. marry for money, work for love I guess.
There are a lot of women who choose single motherhood, MP. Single moms by choice. I’m not wealthy, just preferred children over marriage so I went that route. There are many who have.
Diane Sawyer married Mike Nichols much later in life, and never had children, so I doubt she was actually shocked.
I don’t have the bride gene myself, so I really get where she’s coming from. If I met the right person, I’d surely consider it, but it is not at all something I feel I must have. I like that she’s speaking up on it, and that she had the means and determination to make it happen for herself.
I do not see how that is awesome.
When I was in my teens, I thought that I wanted marriage and kids. It was what everyone did. As I grew up and got older, I focused on what made me happy: Traveling, going out with friends, learning, writing, reading, working on creative projects. That is what I did in my 20s, 30s, 40s and now 50s. I never met a man who I wanted to spend a significant amount of time with – the guys I dated were basically place holders for The One. But I never met The One and I could never fathom marrying someone Just Because. Now I know that I prefer my own company. And I knew that I was never into kids AT ALL, so I guess, as Bar Bush would say, things have turned out quite well for myself.
my mother decided to have a baby by herself because she had been divorced twice and felt like her biological clock was running out. i have always felt like she robbed me of something that she had no right to take. i have always hated her for it.
I can totally relate, I knew from a very young age that i wanted to be a mom but never saw myself married. I even told my grade 3 teacher, after a project “where do you see yourself in 25 years” when she asked me how i planned on having three children without getting married, i said “have you never heard of sperm banks? ” i was 8!!!
And now I’m finally a single mother by choice to a beautiful 4 month old. Dreams really do come true!
You go Shonda!
Is it me or does it look like she is lightening her skin, a la Sammy Sosa? God, I hope she’s not lightening her skin.
Selfish, actually.
Selfish to whom? To the children who would not have been born if she did not choose to have them alone?
Awesome!