Back in 2010, Mo’Nique waged one of the strangest Oscar campaigns in recent memory. Like, she wanted to be paid for showing up to awards shows, and she refused to shake hands and do appearances at guild screenings. Also part of her strange campaign? Utter honesty when it came to her open marriage. Mo’Nique has been married to Sidney Hicks since 2006, and she’s claimed that they’ve been “best friends” for more than 25 years. In a 2010 interview, she said: “Could Sid have sex outside of his marriage with me? Yes. That’s not a deal-breaker. That’s not something that would make us say, ‘Pack your things and let’s end the marriage.’ What if it’s 20 times? So what?” Of course, she also said that she had never cheated on Sidney, meaning she has never slept with anyone other than him during their marriage. Now Mo’Nique expands on her idea of an open marriage in a new interview:
Oscar-winning actress Mo’Nique is offering up some interesting marriage advice in a new interview with True Exclusives. In the article, the twice-married actress and comedian talks about giving her husband a “pass” sleep with other people. Mo’Nique says that while couples should “live by” their marital vows, she also added “people cheat because of something they’re not getting.” The solution? A “pass to cheat.”
Because — as Mo’Nique explains it — if couples have “open and honest conversations” with their partner, it’s OK to go ahead and cheat. Especially if the person your partner wants to cheat with will do something that you won’t do.
“What is it about that person that you find that you wanna sleep with? Because they may give you something that I’m simply not willing to do,” said the actress to True Exclusives. “And if that’s the case, how can I be mad? Because I’m not gon’ do it. Should I deprive you of not having it? That’s when the relationship is real real.”
Mo’Nique has been married to her husband, actor and producer Sidney Hicks, since 2006. They have two children together.
I went through a phase where I read a lot of Dan Savage’s stuff, and his philosophy is somewhat similar, I think: that people need to be “good, giving and game” and if your partner isn’t “game” for what you want sexually, then you’re probably going to seek it out elsewhere. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I think my biggest issue is with the wording here with Mo’Nique. Like, is it still “cheating” if she’s giving her husband permission? Is it cheating if he comes home and tells her he just had a dirty banging session in some seedy motel and he only did it because he knew Mo’Nique would never allow him to get his freak on properly? I think that’s a cheap excuse. It’s an excuse men use to manipulate women. But it sounds like Mo’Nique is fine with it, so who am I to judge?
Photos courtesy of WENN.
Personally I don’t care about this, just want to see her in more roles. Love her performances. Her stand up routine from Queens of Comedy is one of the best I’ve ever seen.
100. TMI. I would also rather see her in another role, as opposed to hearing the deets of her bedroom choices with her husband.
Wow. She gives a whole new meaning to you can have your cake and eat it too. Whatever works for you Mo.
Yeah – it’s not really my thing, but I’m impressed that she’s being so open about it. I hope that she really DOES feel that way, and isn’t just trying to convince herself she does – because if that’s what she wants then, awesome.
I’m way too neurotic to put up with that kind of thing. Depending on the circumstances, cheating wouldn’t be a 100% deal breaker for me. But it really would depend on what went on, who it was with, and why it happened. Case by case basis kind of thing – though hopefully it’ll never be something I have to deal with.
Men are not Canada geese…….most men, if they followed their biological instincts, would cheat if all the risks and dangers were removed….yes, MOST. But there’s a lot of reasons they don’t, including the risk of contracting an STD, loyalty to their life partner and fear of being found out and kicked to the curb. Loyalty is probably number one.
Sabrine: If the opportunity arises, no pun intended, I think most men would cheat if they knew for sure they could get away with it. I don’t think the same is true with women, but am sure the percentage is growing. Generally men are more physical and us chicks are more emotionally attached.
oh please. women cheat just as much as men do.
Anna: YES! and thats great because its a sign of equality. women are not more emotionally attached thats BS, no matter how many right wing studies want to tell you. women enjoy casual sex as much if not more than men and why wouldnt women cheat? come on do you think the average woman who likes to check out athletes and movie stars would say no if the guy proposed sex and she was married with kids? do you know how many married women cheat with their yoga teacher? do you know how many actresses sleep with their bodyguards? its just not as often in the news as the nanny thing with men.
every person in the world is as faithful as their options (so no not everyone cheats but not because they are such controlled beings) thats why monogamy is such a dumb concept and so oppressive.
Maybe after two kids, she’s not into sex w him anymore? especially since’s she’s like “Because they may give you something that I’m simply not willing to do”, and she just wants a best friend? I can’t imagine being continually attracted to a dipstick getting oiled somewhere else all the time.
Oh my gosh, are you serious? As a female, I am in an open relationship and can fully understand the practicality of above relationship. Commitment to your spouse is always number one. Sexual exploration or excitement never comes second to your primary commitment. That is your partner for life. Think of it as a family member and you will understand. When a spouse has the same level of commitment as an immediate family member, with that level of trust without the insecurity, there is no competition.
I think that, if there’s so much wiggle room, there’s no point in calling it a commitment. Why not just date and agree that you are just long-term, best friends forever or whatever? It just always feels like a self-deception, to hear someone basically say they don’t care what their partner does outside as long as they come home to them…
I mean, if there’s a real emotional attachment and that other person is spending quality time with another person basking in endorphin soup and doing the naked tango on the regular… how can that not be a bit of a sore spot on some level?
is it horrible I look at her husband and automatically my gaydar pings?
Reminds me of Will and Jada – get their freak on with members of the same sex which they are both okay with, but are together publicly as a couple.
Just Horrible! JK……you may have a valid point there.
First thing my husband said when I read him this: “Sounds like Mr. Mo’nique wants the D.” He said that while he thinks about cheating, even if he could get away, HE would know and that would be rough on his self-esteem, knowing he isn’t the man I think he is or he thought he was.
I .. I think that a relationship without cheating (both men and women) for 50+ years is utopia, and I don’t believe it is possible except in some very lucky couples. I might be jaded, I know, messed up, and I’m not even married, but I don’t agree with Mo here. I don’t believe in giving a cheat pass, and I don’t believe we should do everything (sexually) that our partners want just because we don’t want them to go get it elsewhere.
Besides, I might say yes to doing A), but I won’t do it willingly or i won’t do it well, so the result is the same. Relationships are give and take, learn to live with certain things and without certain things. Compromise. Let’s talk about it. Let’s decide well I just won’t do this even if I really fantasize about it, because my partner isn’t comfortable with it.
Cheating shouldn’t be allowed, at all, but I don’t believe in ending a marriage because of a kiss, or a one night stand that meant absolutely nothing. Things need to be discussed and resolved. But if it becomes a habit then yes.
Totally agree.
Mimz, i just want to say good on you for admitting that you messed up. So many people in comment sections act like perfect little angels with morals like Mother Teresa. The statistics alone says that a % of them are lying about their fidelity. (I once had an argument with a woman who railed on a celebrity for cheating to the point where it was getting weird. Somebody later told me that this (married) woman had got ‘caught’ sending dirty/flirty e-mails to somebody by her husband. The marriage survived but she admitted that it was emotional cheating. I just found it really hypocritical that she would be so judgmental when she was less that perfect herself.
Haha, spot on on the comments on CB. But it the recent years they are often more entertaining than the actual CB posts. And the statiscics (on whatever topic)be damned…
Cheating is a “weird place”.
In my experience (I ‘m not talking about banging whoever you meet) is the sign something in your main relationship is wrong.
It’s over and you don’t want to admit it,for example…and that was my case.
But in the long run you cannot be always perfect, people can make mistakes. And I agree with Mimiw you don’t throw under the bus a 10 years relationship-marriage because of a kiss.
I know people like to say “once a cheater always is a cheater”, but it’s much more complicated than that.
And obviously every relationship and every situation is different. One couple may be able to work it out, another may not. I can’t imagine not being eternally hurt by finding out I’ve been cheated on, but talk to me again after another decade or two of marriage. I suppose perspectives change.
I feel like a lot of people delude themselves that they want monogamy when they really don’t. We still judge people who are polyamorous as morally inferior unless they are really “classy” people – think Tilda Swinton and her open marriage. It’s ok for Tilda, but Monique doesn’t get the same pass, and that seems unfair. (Maybe it’s also because Tilda is the poyamorous one in her relationships, as far as I know, while Monique is talking about allowing her husband to be with other people, which seems the more difficult end of the bargain).
It can be that one half of a couple is pressured into accepting the situation when their partner wants to sleep with other people. In that case, it’s a question of, “am I better off and happier with him or without him?” That’s a decision that should never be made out of fear you won’t find someone else. It’s better to be alone than to settle for a marriage you will be unhappy with, no matter how much you love your partner.
I really like monogamy. I love the security and trust that are intrinsically a part of it. Over 10 years of being with my partner I’ve had fleeting attractions to other people, but it’s difficult to even have those feelings register compared to 10 years of being my partner’s best friend, confidant, traveling everywhere and sharing all our major life experiences together. How could I trade that away because someone else catches my eye every so often? Right now I can’t imagine it.
We never know what the future will bring. Perhaps someday I’ll feel differently. Perhaps someday he’ll feel differently. I don’t want to become smug and self-satisfied in my relationship rather than treasuring what we have and hoping to have more of it. Some people are happier falling in and out of love, living their lives in these passionate connections that are more ephemeral than a long-term relationship. I can see the beauty of that, too. But I don’t want those experiences as much as I want to keep being with my husband.
@senna Agree with you on this.
Tilda may be still technically married to her husband but it’s my understanding that she is and has been in a committed relationship with one person for many years. I think that the “open” aspect of things was really overblown as far as she was concerned and because she is this ethereal, otherworldly beauty, people wanted to believe that she was doing something “otherworldly” and non-traditional. But in interviews with her and with her ex-husband, they have described how their situation was grossly misunderstood.
I believe in monogamy. I come from a large family where my parents were married for decades and my aunts and uncles have been happily married, celebrating their 50th anniversaries. I know folks will say, oh, you don’t know the unhappiness that lurks below surface, how can they just be with each other for years, etc. etc. but I have seen how people can be terribly unhappy being in “open” relationships with multiple divorces, too. So monogamy or open relationship, neither assures happiness. What I have seen is that once people have grown up in a mode of divorce and open relationships being the norm, they tend to follow the same. I think that it would be difficult ultimately for someone who wants monogamy and envisions that type of relationship to partner with someone who is coming from a background of polyamory, “rolling stone” father, and/or watching parents in open relationships.
No matter how many people scoff at me, I still believe in love and in the joy of a loving, monogamous partnership. People can do what they want as long as they are honest i.e. I don’t want to date someone who doesn’t believe in monogamy and in the power of loving long-term relationship. Why waste each other’s time?
I agree. Can’t believe people are ok with this, I don’t think they would be if it was their husband. If he can’t do without certain things, she needs a new partner.
It just bothers me that it’s so one-sided, both in her view and society in general. I hate that we keep perpetuating the idea that it is men that want something extra or have unsatisfied needs. I’m not sure if open marriages would be as much of a “thing” if women were also seen with as much sexual needs and desires. After all, part of this hegemonic masculinity is being territorial and that he should be able to satisfy his partner in every way
In reality, just as many marriages fail because the woman cheats as the other way around but we don’t hear about that outside of family court.
Exactly. Not to mention how pissy men get when you are trying to improve something about sex.
God gorbids you hint toward them not satisfying you.
I can only imagine how open they woild truly be with the idea of their wife getting it ftom somewhere else
Oh my god, yes. Like, seriously, just try to learn because you care and don’t let your damn ego get in the way. And it’s the worst when you can tell that he keeps doing something a certain way because it’s how his ex liked it and no matter how you try to show him how *you* like it, he keeps reverting back to how she liked it, then he gets mad when you tell him it doesn’t work for you. Ego b.s.
In my experience, the ones who complain about “jealousy” or say that they don’t get jealous and want open relationships are the most insecure and actually can’t stand it when you step out. They do not like the tables turned because it’s not really about sex, it’s about control.
HH, I was going to comment but then saw yours, which was way more eloquent than I could ever be at this hour. I wish I could upvote this all day.
Separately (I don’t want to inadvertently attribute anything to HH), regarding Monique’s comments of men “not getting something” — why can’t men just understand if women have (presumably sexual) boundaries? Grow up. Not everyone gets what they want and most people figure that out and are ok with it by they time they are adults. The only thing that I can think of that might change the analysis is if what he’s seeking elsewhere isn’t women.
male and female sexuality are very much alike. women need more novelty and get bored more easily in monogamous relationships but then also cant admit it openly without being judged. thats also why we hear less of marriages that are open only the side of the woman but they are not less common. there are lots of fetishes of men who love that.
You have some really great points but I need to point out that those fetishes (cuckold, hotwife) etc are never about the womans sexual independence. Sometimes its about the guy viewing his wifes vagina as attached to his ego somehow and getting off the humiliation of another man taking what is yours. Other times its about the man seeing sex as a degrading act for a woman and wanting to see her “sullied” in that way. Those fetishes are built on mysogyny not feminist ideals. Ask yourself why the female equivalent of those fetishes is practically unheard of.
Naya, good points. im fully aware of really bad reasons to do it. black men are often incorporated in some of those fetishes for very racist reasons, like your wife having sex with a black man is seen as more humiliating and disgusting stuff like that.
im mainly talking about people who practice it like swingers who are happy to see their partner getting satisfied.
… I don’t understand this whole “variety” bs. So… we’re saying what? Ten years or five years or even a year we’re just “Yawn” time to try new penis? I mean, there’s so much – and I mean SO much about one person to learn and they change and evolve and grow (if we let them) that the only way I can fathom a person literally getting bored or needing “variety” is if they are too self-involved to understand and see that or if they were literally not ready for a genuine, long-term relationship.
And frankly I think that that is what is going on. It’s all these emotionally immature people setting the bar so low, making it appear that monogamy is some sort of science fiction impossibility, making it seem like this is the norm for everyone or something. It’s most certainly not.
I mean I can totally understand when a relationship goes sour and is un-salvageable or was a flame that was influenced by all the short-lived sparks of lust but when you’re ready for a real, forever kind of relationship and you meet someone who’s there too, then it will work because it’s right and on the days it isn’t you find a way.
I agree that women are stuck with this untrue stereotype of being low libido people who’s always looking for love. But I personally think that generally speaking it’s true that men have a much much higher libido than women. I was watching the Sopranos the other day and Carmella was talking about Tony’s “thirst” that can never be quench. And I thought, she got that right. My girlfriends and I talk about it sometimes it feels like if our man could be banging 24/7 they would.
Speak for yourself darling! I need an Idris post, I think 🙂
I just think it depends on the individuals. We all want different things out of a relationship, sex is one piece of the puzzle (albeit a very fun piece)
i dont know if the Sopranos are best source on sexuality, not that they ever claimed to be.
female sexuality generally is a bit harder to evaluate because of social stigma and in the west hormonal pills that can change quiet a bit.
personally i am convinced that women have a higher drive for more partners and if you look at history why did men control female sexuality? because it was this super tame thing that only ever wanted one guy?
Not true always. I’m lucky if my man gives it to me, his sex drive is way lower than mine. As in, maybe twice a month. He says he’s attracted to me, but it’s always here so sometimes he gets lazy and takes it for granted, I think
Antechinus…. that’s what I call them. lol 😉
I love Dan Savage! I don’t think its an “excuse” for men to manipulate women”, because its not always the man sometimes it’s the wife. It’s great that Mo’Nique is speaking out about her non-traditional marriage, I think a lot of people would be surprised on the amount of couples who have monogamish relationships. I don’t think she’s saying it’s for everyone, but it certainly works for her. It’s fantastic that she is secure enough in herself, their love and commitment, to accept her husband has fantasies that she doesn’t have an interest in and allow him to seek elsewhere for it.
i agree. its always painted like men are super horny and women are celibate. look at cheating rates and take into account how much women are shamed for being sexual, its very likely women cheat more and its not wonder as women loose interest in sex with the same partner faster than men.
i wish as a society we could really leave monogamy behind us all.
I agree. I think monogamy has a lot to do with insecurity and people wanting to guard their sexual supply.
Or maybe it has to do with the passion that comes with really getting to know someone in all their forms over time and the beauty of that process that no one else can share?
Monogamy is beautiful. And personally, I like the idea of my man guarding my “sexual supply”! omg such a big turn-on! If two people like it like that, why hate on them? Just be honest with your present and future partners that you *don’t * believe in monogamy so that they can find someone who does, how about that?
Yes, I like Dan Savage’s way of thinking too, but I think he doesn’t mean that everyone should go around cheating. It’s about having honest conversations about your wants and needs and the wants and needs of your partner and figuring out how to go about stuff in a way that’s okay with both partners. I wouldn’t want to do what Mo’Nique does and neither does my husband, but we knew that going in this relationship. If we had had different needs, we wouldn’t be together.
I completely agree with this post.
Yeah I listen to his podcast religiously. I personally think if people were more open and honest about their desires and drives maybe there would be less divorce. Personally I strive for monogamy but there are different people out in the world.
This is obviously a very complicated issue, but what works for one couple might not necessarily work for others. If they are both fine with it, why should anyone else care? And I can understand that if she is not comfortable with something he wants sexually, why should she have to compromise herself in order to please him? However, it would be hard for me to be okay with my husband “getting his freak on” with some other woman, that’s all I know! Sex is intimate no matter what way you slice it (even if it is a one night stand) and it’s difficult for me to see how that would not compromise the marriage. But hey whatever works for ya! They are still married with two kids while over 50% of other marriages end in divorce so they may be on to something!
I’m probably going to get crap for this but I have to say I’m judging.
Monique is telling us she’s fine with it now until one of his jump offs gets pregnant or gives him AIDS.
It almost sounds like she’s covering for him in some way. It sound like she knows he’s a cheater and there’s nothing she can do about it so she makes these grand statements to cover her ass from scandal if the press uncovers it.
This is the place to vent, Funcakes. 🙂
I’m actually surprised to hear Mo’Nique talking about this subject again. She talked about it around the time of her Oscar campaign and then tried to backtrack a bit on her words, like the notion of their open marriage was hypothetically accepted rather than actually practised.
I am judging too and this is one other reason why this practice is a bad idea IMO: hygiene.
I can’t call out JLaw for not washing her hands after going to the bathroom and still agree with is.
How about Self-control and constructive redirection of sexual energy? Are these concepts too conservative? How about instead of screwing everything you go to the gym and become Hugh Jackman or Idris Elba?
I guess it’s easier to whine and ask for passes.
I agree with you all, and I’m judging away for the same reasons.
I tend to agree–because it sounds like to me that she’s justifying his cheating……. Like what about her? She says that she’s never cheated on him/slept with someone else outside their marriage (and the tone I’m reading is that it’s unthinkable to her)……but she’s totally okay with him doing it an infinite amount of times. That sounds like she either isn’t all that into sex and/or they’re married because they’re friends or that she married a cheater and is trying to rationalize it. Neither of those sounds ideal to me……
That’s how I read it too.
In general I think if everyone is on the same page and wants the same things, they should do what works for them, as long as everyone is safe and ok with it. But something about this relationship sounds…uneven.
Agreed, that’s why I’m wondering if her husband is into men
Even if it is your favorite meal, if you have to eat it every day, one day it no longer will be your favorite meal. Everybody needs some change from time to time. Honesty should be the basis for a relationship and equal rights for both partners.
Well maybe just use the same ingredients but spice it up!
I can eat Chicken Vindaloo and Tikka Masala with a side of papadum every other day for the rest of my life, no problem. Been doing it for decades and still love it. If I can do that with a favorite food, still enjoy it even when cooked the same way (imagine if we switched up the spices), then I can certainly do that in love and sex.
it sounds so one sided. as you say monogamy is a myth and is mainly used to control female sexuality. there has never been monogamy, it was men who slept around and expected their women not to.
we still have a long way to go, even in the feminist movement there are still a lot of zealous defenders of monogamy, even when you show them how much women suffer in it. women need more novelty in their love lives than men and get unhappier faster in monogamous relationships (the reported happiness in marriages is also way higher with men than women) so why are we will doing this?
here is a great article from the pov of a male feminist whose marriage is open on his wifes side:
http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/07/what-open-marriage-taught-one-man-about-feminism.html
quote:
“The point is that it should be women who choose, not men — even the men they’re married to. For my wife, the choice between honoring our vows and fulfilling her desires was a false choice, another trap.”
Maybe you will be dismissed here as a radical but I agree with pretty much everything you wrote. Monogamy is still very much about controlling female sexuality. Wanna bet that what Mo’nique really means by “open marriage’ is that he does what he wants and she sits at home picking at her imperfections and blaming herself for her “inadequacies”? What are the odds that its open on both ends.
YES to both of you.
I think it’s complicated (because sexuality is complex) and it’s not really correct to paint either gender with one brush. It works both ways. For some people, male and female, monogamy is awesome and the way they want it. For others, it isn’t. I know it isn’t “correct” for people (especially women) to admit that they are unfulfilled with a monogamous relationship, but some people truly are fulfilled by it. I think we as a society need to be more open to the idea that monogamy isn’t for everyone. Personally it’s an idea I wrestle with, and quite frankly as long as you’re happy, it doesn’t really matter what kind of relationship you have. It just worries me that the open marriage Mo’nique talks about is one-sided. Is she really content with that or is that what she’s resigned herself to?
Is she really content with that or is that what she’s resigned herself to?
That’s what I wonder as well.
This is truly an honest question because I struggle with it when I hear people have open marriages – Then why get married? To me marriage is commitment in all things to one person and if I can’t commit totally then I shouldn’t be married.
Agree. Monogamy isn’t for everyone. But there should be open honest conversation between adults about their needs and wants in a relationship. Too many people don’t speak up or end up cheating because they’re afraid their sexual needs will be judged.
I’ve never physically cheated but I have cheated emotionally and even fallen for someone online who was not my husband. Once I realised what was happening, I told my husband everything and we agreed to separate for a time but eventually got back together. Do we still have issues? Yes, but we’re actively working on them together and are in a really good place right now.
dont blame yourself, as i said above its totally normal for women to seek novelty. no woman is satisfied with one guy for longer periods of time and we need to be more open about it.
just the mere conecpt of ownership over someone which monogamy is anti feminist.
as a movement we also need to push polyamory a lot harder but so many women (even self described feminists!) have been socialised to see it as bad. the hook up culture in college is such a great start, women are no longer tied to one man and focus on their career and personal achievements instead of looking for romance, thats were we need to push harder. the problem is it often dies down after college and women are pretty much forced to go back into monogamy and then end up cheating because the men in their lives are too insecure to give their gfs freedom.
I think it is bullshit to say that you can’t be a feminist and still embrace monogamy.
because its a patriarchal idea of control over women which does not sound too feminist to my ears.
and again its mainly women who are unhappier with monogamy and marriage as women lose interest faster. most dead bedroom situations come down to the woman not being excited by her partner anymore. thats just something we cant ignore anymore.
Hanna Rosin has put it this way:
“To put it crudely, feminist progress right now largely depends on the existence of the hookup culture”
What about the women who want their men to have them and only them? Marriage goes both ways, maybe not in the past but it certainly does nowadays. Plenty of guys are married and don’t cheat. Plenty of women AREN’T unhappy with monogamy. How is that anti-feminist?
Feminism is about choice and equality. If I and my husband both want monogamy, or if I decide that I want to do the Betty Crocker homemaker thing and be his love slave, that is my choice, if it makes me happy to do so and makes him happy. And I will still be a feminist. i have sought my happiness, found it, actively embraced it, and have the freedom to do so.
I’m a bisexual woman in a poly relationship with lesbian so monogamy being idealised at the expense of my relationship dynamics is something I deal with. I think what matters is self awareness and honesty since those behaviours enable trust. I’ve literally never managed to be completely monogamous. Since my love languages are quality time & gift giving not physical touch I’m upset when I feel ignored or that my partner doesn’t appreciate my gifts not when she is physically intimate with someone else. So from the outset we have been in an open relationship. She always uses protection (in general I find the LGBTI+ community to be more on the ball about protection then heterosexual men but that’s a seperate issue).
However I do think being poly or mono is about personal preferences as much as it is about gender politics. Some of my friends would be as stressed in a polyamorous relationship as I am in a monogamous one.
I don’t bother telling most people we are in an open relationship since a) they are usually dismissive, tell me it’s too complicated and behave as my love for my partner is lesser than it would be if we monogamous b) I feel like the dynamics of any romantic relationship are private to a certain extent so I don’t feel like discussing my romances in massive detail anyways.
This follows the huge story a couple weeks ago that Lil Wayne ex-wife Toya and new husband had an arrangement where he had”8 hall passes” a year to cheat. No questions asked. People where up and arms about it but it really gives you something to think about in regards to the whole monogamy thing. But Toya didn’t get to have any passes though. That is just not fair.
‘But Toya didn’t get to have any passes though. That is just not fair.’
Fk that!!!
Exactly
First of all, it’s not cheating if you have an agreement that it’s ok. It’s not for me, but if it’s ok with her for him to sleep,with other people, then why should I care?
I do take exception to the logic that people cheat because of something they’re not getting from their spouse. It’s a possibility that a spouse is not being fulfilled emotionally or physically, but there are lots of other reasons for infidelity – the excitement of seducing a new person, the forbidden fruit, insecurity, general dishonesty and lack of concern about promises made. It’s a lot more complicated than she’s making it out to be.
Word. I read this and thought “Really though? I mean, really???” Different people have different reasons to cheat and as much as I like Dan Savage, sometimes I roll my eyes at him. And an agreement is – by definition – not cheating. We can talk about monogamy all day long, that’s fine. But cheating is cheating. Lying is not cool and I doubt THAT is something many people are willing to negotiate.
Personally, I have … uh, a not-so-strict view on monogamy (let’s not get into the details, except to say that lying is never part of it) but only if it works for both parties. And frankly, it is surprising how many men do not react favorably to my take on it. However, it’s no hardship to agree to be monogamous (for me at least). It’s just that there are alternatives that I’d be fine with. I think for most people it’s monogamy or nothing because they either really believe in it or simply haven’t seriously thought about all the gray areas in between monogamy and a free-for-all.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. If anyone here listens to This American Life, they did a great episode called “Infidelity” and the host Ira Glass points to that Rutgers University study that found 56% of men who cheat describe themselves as happy with their marriage. The idea that people who cheat are cheating because their partner isn’t giving them something is largely a myth. I’m not saying that it’s NEVER the reason that someone cheats, just that it’s not typically the reason.
it is silly. humans arent monogamous so you could be the best partner in the world and someone would still lust after and sleep with others. we are all visual beings and no one is going to be attracted to their spouse the same way as someone younger and fitter, that whole concept is laughable.
so of course they are happy but that does not mean that they dont want to have sex with someone else. as you say there is no connection because seeking novelty and a wider array of partners is only natural.
I have nothing against open relationships if they are negotiated from a healthy place and are open for both parties. But theres something about her statement that just reads like low self esteem to me. She sees him going out as an inadequacy on her part and she thinks shes progressive because she has acknowledged that she isnt good enough for him. I think shes one of these girls who is scared to death that no other man as “eligible” as this one, will ever want her. So she justifies the guys crap.
I got the same feeling.
There is emotional infidelity too. I wonder how she feels about that.
She strikes me as one of those women who really want to be and stay married to the point that it can become an “as long as Sid comes home to me” type of situation.
I’d like to see her in more roles as well.
The point of getting married is to be mature enough to know that your partner won’t give you 100% you want, because it’s humanly impossible. Pass to cheat? Spare me. If it was an open relationship, she wouldn’t have used the word “cheat” anyway. I can only hope she starts to get into other men as well.
I find that most people cheat because they’re selfish assholes.
If you’re not getting something from your partner that you need, then it is time to call it off. Like, if she is comfortable having an open relationship with her husband, you know, respect. But I feel like this isn’t exactly this type of situation.
I think maybe some couples can make the open relationships work. But I’ve never seen them happen in a healthy way. It always seems like one person issues an ultimatum and pressures the other into accepting it. Ultimatums and pressure are not healthy. But it seems like men in particular get mad if the situation is not one sided. If his girlfriend or wife actually decides to to sleep with someone else, then he decides to be a jerk about it. Because when they suggest the open arrangement, they are only thinking they will be the ones to act upon it.
Very true.
As a Registered Nurse I would like to say this. Many people don’t have any idea how bad the infection rate is for STD’s in the USA or in Europe. There is an article on the internet—“Estimates of Sexually Transmitted Infections” which gives details. I work in a critical care area, so I see the results of undiagnosed illnesses . There are many who do not know that they are sick until they come to the hospital for other reasons and then the infections are found. I took care of a lady after a really bad auto accident . It was then that we found out that she had Hep C . She had no idea that she was infected and was devastated by the news .That is only one example, and I have many. I know that we live in a different world today. Things are more liberal than they used to be and really don’t mean to sound like a prude . I know that each and every one of us has the freedom to live our lives as we see fit. But am concerned about what kind of world we are leaving our children. If we don’t teach them to have some values now when they are young and If we don’t give them good examples to follow. We do them and society a disfavor . Monogamy may not sound as much fun. But having sex with one person that is free of STD’s sounds much better to me. Infections are more prevalent than we realize.
why would you associate having causal sex with “values”?
Are you kidding with this question?
why would i kid? you do realize this a sex positive feminist site and not a church meeting, right?
Right. The two have ZERO to do with one another. Not every promiscuous person is Charlie f*cking Sheen.
It’s pretty hard to get hep C through sex and most infections occur due to IV drug use. How do you not know this as a nurse? Or do you just want to judge people on their sex lives so badly that you don’t care?
Why do people equate sex with values? From healthcare perspective, it should be the advocating of protection and testing. People who test and use protection, respect themselves and their sexual partners. Monogamy only prevents disease if both partners are being monogamous.
This all day long.
Exactly!
People equate sex with values for the same reason why people equate friendships with values. It is a value to be there for the other person in good and bad times and to care for another person. Whereas casual sex is “fun only” and only as long as it is fun. Now I know that my friendships are different: there are friendships which carry a lot of values: knowing and caring for each other for years and knowing you can rely on them and they do rely on you. And then there are friendships who are more casual “party-friends” types. The latter are definitely less valuable than the former. Same with sex because sex always goes hand in hand with some kind of relationship. Perhaps a rather superficial relationship but a relationship.
Some people have more respect for their casual hook-ups than others have in long-term marriages. There can be a meaningful connection and mutual respect in a fling too, it’s between the two (or more lol) people and not for you to judge.
I agree absolutely!!
Well said.
You can be monogamous and still pick up STDs if your partner engaged in unsafe sex previously or cheats on you behind your back. There is no safe bet unless you can guanrantee honesty and responsibility, which are the two far more important values than monogamy.
Beyond that, there’s a misinterpretation of monogamy as a traditional value when it’s actually a pretty recent concept. *Women* may have been expected to remain uniform in their partnering, but men have always had the right to mistresses, concubines, and various liasons outside of the marriage. Pre-marital sex has existed since forever – it just came with more dire social consequences than modern day circumstances allow. The women’s rights movement and sexual revolution opened up a lot of doors for women, but it stopped short of extending the same sexual privileges to women that men have always been allowed and demanded monogamy from both sides. It would be wiser for us to stop dictating what people should and should not do with their bodies and rather promote a culture of awareness, knowledge, and responsibility.
Just want to co-sign Veronica’s comment. I agree with everything you said!
Cheating is a lot more complicated issue than some unfulfilled desire.
Possibly that’s reason number one for any “ordinary” couple. Ideally partners work hard to keep the spark. Life is not ideal and it can happen that one thinks he/she’s doing “everything” and the other feels “suffocated” and “unfulfilled”. Men often say “mothered”.
Cheating is also opportunity. And a willing partner. I don’t believe for a second that nowadays men cheat more often than women. The Internet Portals always try to keep the M/W quota even. So with whom are these unfulfilled men cheating with? With unfulfilled women, who most probably don’t live in “open” relationships. So there is that.
I’ve seen only twice an “open” relationship. Neither ended well. However “open” it appears to be one is always more involved (emotionally) than the other and the serial “non-cheating” becomes a burden. Both times it was the woman that couldn’t bear it longer. I don’t know if that’s significant.
Open relationships often happen when one partner blackmails the other one emotionally: kind of saying either the other one agrees to an open relationship or the partner will cheat or leave anyway. When the other partner can’t take it any more they break up.
Often it is eating your cake and having it at the same time.
It is rare that both two partners do really voluntarily and willingly agree to an open relationship. That is what I see happening with friends / acquaintances who had these kinds of relationships.
My husband and I are in an open relationship. We’ve been together for over ten years, married for just over two, and neither of us ever wanted to ~limit~ each other sexually for the rest of our lives.
It was mostly hypothetical for most of our relationship, but now I have a regular partner (my husband calls him my boyfriend). We are safe, we got tested before fluid bonding, and I’m sterile, so an unwanted pregnancy is not a worry.
Socially, we are quiet about this. If we were asked directly, we would be honest.
This is the most I’ve ever talked about it.
“neither of us ever wanted to ~limit~ each other sexually for the rest of our lives.”
thats great.
“Socially, we are quiet about this.”
thats sad.
we still have such a long way to go to get rid of monogamy and all that patriachal BS that comes with it.
its also so beautiful that you are a woman who is taking what she needs and what one man cant give you and your husban,d instead of throwing a fit over not being enough for you, is feminist enough to not chain your sexuality and even jokes about it, great guy.
“What one man can’t give you”
You mean variety?
We’re just as quiet about it as we are the rest of our sex life. The friends we have who we’ve have always talked about sex stuff with know about ~the arrangement~.
I only talked about this because it was germane to the conversation. Not much of a chance to talk about this in polite or even impolite company 😉
No fits, just lots of fun and communicating. Being open and honest is the only way this works. Sneaking and giving room to keep resentments isn’t any good. We often communicate about it and revisit and discuss if it’s still working for both of us. So far, so good!
Good for you ,if it works for your relationship that’s all that matters
“if it works for you” can be used to justify a lot of abuse and mistreatment. Just saying.
It works for us. We’re very open and we talk about everything. If it stops working, we’d talk about it and find a different path. But, happily, so far, so good 🙂
In response to Pondering thoughts- you’re conflating two entirely separate issues. Nikole and her husband have been honest and thoughtful of each other’s needs so their dynamic reflects what they need and want. They are in a loving relationship so I think it’s intellectually lazy to invoke abuse in order to belittle her choices.
😀
Oh well thanks, my comment got deleted.
@ MarcelMarcel
When it comes to open relationships then the dynamcis are more complicated especially if just one of the partners wanted an open marriage and the other one followed mostly in order to keept the partner. There is often a lot of dishonesty involved in partnerships: not just dishonesty to your partner but also dishonesty to yourself.
As for Nicole: she describes that in the beginning she didn’t have a partner outside marriage but apparently her husband did. So draw your conclusions who was behind that open marriage.
I trust my partners to be safe, discrete, and kind to me and to whomever they might spend time with. My parents had occasional flings, as did my grandparents and my great-grandparents, and I was never brought up to think that monogamy was the point of a relationship. I enjoy having the same freedom, and feel very grateful for condoms, pills and all the stuff that has made it possible for women as well as men to have consensual and risk-limited sex.
I have more respect for Monique than these women who claim they will not tolerate cheating spouse but have taken back a cheating spouse .If it is unacceptable or a deal breaker than so be it and end the relationship.Don’t talk about what you won’t accept and then get back with the guy again and again.
First: nope, I am not into “whatever works for you”. I just don’t buy it. Because that phrase can be used to justify many forms of bad treatment and abuse.
Second: I doubt that people are really okay with cheating. Most people who say they were monogamous and okay with their cheating partner are not. The one who is not cheating is usually kidding herself (himself) because she (he) is afraid of losing the cheating partner.
So Mo, what is iT you dont want to do, that someone else would?
Being insecure is something thats deep in THE system, no matter HOW being portrait.
ITS so deep, that even after finding someone who wants to be with you, you allow Them things you would never allow for yourself..while deep in your heart, hating iT.
‘People cheat because of something they are not getting?’ Spoken like a true cheater. It’s always the fault of the cheated on party.
The unfortunate thing today is that once we wander from a commitment to strict monogamy, risks for disease and pregnancy quickly multiply. Condoms and other barriers to conception reduce risk for both disease and pregnancy but not to zero. Relying on testing for a new partner has its own risk. You are assuming that the testing is sufficiently comprehensive and accurate. It may be neither. The testing also is valid, if accurate, only until your new partner has another partner (or until a pathogen simply reaches a detectable level). People do lie about sex, so the fact that your new partner claims to have had no contact with anybody else since testing doesn’t make it so. A steady partner is protective in many real ways. This is also why real cheating (unknown to the other partner) is such a betrayal – it puts the unknowing partner at risk without their consent.
This is an old problem. Men in earlier centuries were particularly known for paying prostitutes and then bringing home syphilis and gonorrhea to their wives, who could pass them on to their children during birth. Congenital syphilis and gonorrhea-caused blindness were real problems. But today, even though we have better treatments and testing, we also have a huge list of sexually transmissible diseases, some of which can kill or cripple you and some of which are not curable (or can mutate into versions no longer curable). It’s more dangerous than people want to believe. Very unfair, but that’s the situation.
That’s your friend then MoNique, that’s not your husband, thats your friend. You can dress him up as the Mr., the man of the household, your other half, the father of your babies… whatever you want to call it… but that’s your friend.
I’ve told my husband if he cheated even once – ONCE- I’d leave him, period. I asked him to please ask himself BEFORE starting anything if it was worth some koochy to lose our home and family. Because I do NOT want to worry about STD’s or worse, and I want a marriage where we confide in each other honestly, not seek something from someone else. It depends what you expect from a marriage. Also, I think a lot of men start something for mere excitement, but then they get more involved than they’d intended, and their marriage is compromised. I would follow through on a divorce, painful though it would be. I don’t know if she really believes what she says, or if it’s partly a self esteem issue; if you don’t think you’re worth being treated as number one priority, you won’t require it in your marriage. Though some people have an open marriage (not my cup of tea), she says SHE is faithful to him, but doesn’t expect him to be faithful to her.
I’m sorry, her husband is probably gay and she doesn’t care about sex.
It’s their business but I really don’t want to hear about it.
it’s true that society has a long way to go in regards to not slut shamming women. My gut feeling is that if a woman was open about being in an open relationship a lot of guys would see her as being easy and would act accordingly.