I know I should be writing about other things today, but I watched this video last night and I can’t get it out of my head. I was looking for something lighter after I watched the super-depressing Manchester by the Sea (I actually do not recommend that movie) and I ended up watching the #HurtBae video. Hurt Bae is the name Black Twitter gave to a heartbroken young woman who confronts an ex-boyfriend who cheated on her. The video is from The Scene, and it was posted last night and it went viral. I think people got obsessed because A) Hurt Bae and her ex, let’s call him Douche Bae, are incredibly beautiful and B) the story is incredibly relatable if someone you loved ended up cheating on you and breaking your heart. Hurt Bae sits there with such grace and you can just feel her pain over the fact that Douche Bae just treated her so poorly. Here’s the video:
He cheated on her. Now she wants to know why. pic.twitter.com/5hdlpKisjZ
— The Scene (@SCENE) February 15, 2017
When he says “I didn’t keep count” was when I stopped caring about Douche Bae as a person. I think Hurt Bae really loved him, and that love made her seem like a doormat. She DID forgive him, because she thought he was her best friend, and because she was inside the love machine, you know? You can’t see clearly. I also think he was consistently surprised by how she didn’t break up with him – he couldn’t believe all of the sh-t Hurt Bae let him get away with. It was a case of Douche Bae having no business being in a relationship but not having the maturity or decency to break up with Hurt Bae directly.
Anyway, #hurtbae has been trending for hours and the tweets are… amazing.
The worst thing a/b the #HurtBae vid was homegirl was truly hurt to her core & he looked her dead in her face w/ no remorse.
— Potter's Clay (@averylondon_) February 16, 2017
#HurtBae is a perfect example of what it feels like to give somebody your all who doesn't deserve it. . Wouldn't wish that hurt on anyone.
— Queen Simba 👑 (@RealQueenSimba) February 16, 2017
Her: "I don't think you're a bad guy because you cheated, I forgave you."
Him: "Why?"
Her: "Because you're my bestfriend" #hurtbae pic.twitter.com/UBQR5xhCNf— Kait 🌈 (@itzzkait) February 16, 2017
#hurtbae "I didn't count"
Me: pic.twitter.com/L9FcilNxNg— Ebs. ✨ (@Ebonitaa_) February 16, 2017
#hurtbae
Her: how many times did you cheat?
Him: I don't know.. I wasn't counting. pic.twitter.com/OKO0qzjZHU— Maraa Di'leo (@Lem_Wiz) February 16, 2017
#hurtbae ain't hurt no more pic.twitter.com/kon37hXDdZ
— E. (@eliyanc_) February 16, 2017
Screencaps from The Scene video.
That’s a guy who is a mess and probably grew up in a house without a father or with a father who treated his mother badly and now he’s just a messssssss. Needs a long time to grow up, if ever. Not datable.
that’s such a generalisation.
A very effective one when it comes to whittling down the dating pool.
I spent over five years with a guy just like that. I knew something was wrong but he lied and told me I was crazy and that he would never cheat on me. He told I was the best thing in his life, etc. All lies, I caught him texting his “friend” (she’s married too and super messy) and then I threw his ass out and never spoke to him again. It’s been almost a year since then and he still texts but I have him blocked now. I never respond. You have to cut people like that out of your life forever to heal. Therapy helps a lot and it helped me realize that he was/is a psychopath. It was a huge learning experience and let me tell you girls first trust your gut, not your head, your brain will make excuses for him but your gut knows what’s up. Secondly, don’t date bad boys cause they really are just bad people. If you want a “nice normal” relationship look for a “nice normal” guy. He may not be as exciting but maybe he will actually love and respect you and not shit on your life.
OMG! How did this comment get past moderation. Wow. Y’all been showing your colours of recent. Would you think that if this guy was white? Just curious. If you heard a white guy cheated, would your first thought be about how his dad wasn’t around?
#yallhatersaintslick #stopstereotypingus
Yes? Are you insane? What does race have to do with it? I’m not making an assumption based on his race….I’m making an assumption based on HIS BEHAVIOR.
How did this comment get past moderation? Please. This is typical lack-of-a-father-figure behavior. I grew up in a house with a terrible father figure and I married someone with an excellent one, so observing the effects of each is of interest to me. But hey. Thanks for making everything about you.
Greenieweenie
scar is a card carrying member of the beyhive. that should tell you all you need to know.
What is “The Scene”? Is this real or acting? Maybe the guy seems like a douche because he’s not a really good actor.
If it’s real maybe he’s nervous because he is being filmed. Something just seems off with this. Why would they film their relationship and whose idea was this? I cheated on you but hey let’s film it for views.
Real or not, she’s beautiful. Her phone is going to be ringing off the hook. Cut him loose girl. It hurts right now but you can do better.
Ugh, baited by a troll (although I don’t really get what this has to do with the beyhive but these fan-stans are so one note they’re really just trolls of a different nature).
@v4Real-
I think what seems off about it is you are seeing his nasty little smirks slip through when he hurts her.
Yes, plenty of guys, white and black, don’t have dads in their lives. You’re really reaching with your comment.
I agree with you Scar; that was the FIRST thing I thought when I read Greenieweenie’s comment: “Hey, here’s a racist making a bigoted generalization about black people while trying to maintain plausible deniability about doing so.”
“How did this get past moderation”
Your hatred of free speech has been noted.
Agree with the mess part, but he could just as easily have been super spoiled. That can screw a person up as well. I think we can all agree that this guy has issues.
such a generalization…
@huh of course I’m a card carrying member of the beYhive. Lots of people are brangelina, Aniston, jlaw Stan’s here. Now if you can tell me what that has got to do with my comment…..? Oh you mean a card-carrying member of the beyhive who has refused to ignore the racist undertones in most of the comments on posts about her? Okay. Carry on. I’ll take troll for today.
Now back to the matter on hand, lots of black guys gets the “maybe the father wasn’t around” comments for the slightest of things from shoplifting, cheating, any crime at all. There are lots of posts about cheating people here and not once did I see such about Kristen Stewart, Sienna Miller, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston. You know, well known cheaters but that’s the first comment I see on this thread.
You say it’s about his character not his race, I would love to see some stats on this. Realstats that show people wact a certain way lacked a father figure while growing up. At best You’re making a dangerous generalisation and at worst, you are stereotyping some black guy you dunno anything about.
You can pretend not to know what I’m talking about but I’m sure you can see how problematic that was
Now back to you @huh, I am a very proud lover of all things Beyoncé and that should indeed tell you everything you need to know. I will not ignore any of such comments I come across. Comments like the OP’s which might seem harmless but if you look closer they’re really not. Why are you pressed? Cos I call out the racist undertones most of these white women pretend they don’t see? Fine. I won’t stop though and y’all will deal. If you say some buckshot on s Beyoncé, rihanna, blac Chyna, Amber Rose, taraji threads that you won’t say on an Aniston, Jolie etc thread then I likely will point that out. So yeah, an empowered Beyoncé lover here. Any problems?
So the OP comments that this dude is terrible and probably didn’t have a stable father father figure to show him how to be a man. Now you’re talking about Beyonce, Rihanna, Amber Rose, Jennifer Aniston, etc. Wow.
Scar is telling the truth.
He’s psycho with mental issues. Those types don’t feel for anyone else. They can’t ….
And she was perfect prey … I hate that he had to talk her into seeing the end of the relationship cause she was still handing on despite the poor treatment… sigh …
He is definitely a predator, and enjoyed toying with his quarry, like a bored cat tossing mouse about. I wanted to choke him out at the end when he smiled and said something to the effect of how he hopes he can watch her grow to be the woman she is becoming, as if being emotionally abused by him was a crown she should feel honored to wear (because he is so special). Puke.
Damn. That was tough. I dated a guy just like that. He ended up marrying a girl he cheated on for about 5 years with anyone he could. I wonder to this day if he still cheats. I don’t know if pathological cheaters can change?
I dated a guy like that for way too long, too. Toxic as f$ck, took me years to get over. And I also wonder if my ex cheats on his wife now, too.
I dated a guy like that for a few years, too, before I up and dumped his sorry ass. I refused his apologies and entreaties with great pleasure.
Yup and yup…
Cheating is the worst and I sort of feel that having my heartbroken by a cheater was a right of passage.
At least that is what I told myself to move on 🙂 Ha…
It’s like he’s blaming her for staying with him “why didn’t you leave” and she’s still holding out hope that he’s reasonable and not a POS human. He is such an asshole “I get a chance to see you grow into the woman you’re becoming,” like condescending to her. He just knows the right b.s. to say and is so manipulative. I wish she would cut him off but at least they don’t see each other anymore.
Right? He’s doing all that to push her to break up with him. Those guys have low self esteem and also can’t handle confrontation. And the more you hang on, the less they respect you. What a head trip.
he’s surprised, but i don’t think he’s blaming her. tbh i’m surprised as well, like i’ve had female friends in that situation of not trusting a boyfriend, going through their phone and finding things, and still believing the obvious lies and being somewhat aware of it. it was difficult, because i just couldn’t understand why they would do that to themselves, and why they wouldn’t just leave. surely all that pain isn’t worth it?
She should leave because he’s going to continue to cheat. He looks at her as weak and know he will get away with it again.
But shouldn’t the responsibility be his? If he wants to be with other people, shouldn’t he leave? She stayed with him because he lied and told her he’d change, etc. He was a coward and took it out on her.
i never said he’s not an arsehole. he’s an opportunist; it’s like christmas and his birthday all came at once. he gets to keep the gf and f-k other women too, ain’t life grand? still, it doesn’t change the fact that when women (or men) stay with people who cheat on them, it is surprising.
it would be nice if you could expect common decency from the people you love, unfortunately we need to be taught from an early age that you should rely on yourself first, and make your own happiness. if a relationship is miserable, then leave. don’t wait for someone to make that choice for you, it would only lead to more pain.
Can you believe that I cried for her…. I went through that similar relationship before only this time I was the one my ex-boyfriend was cheating with. I was with this asshole of a boyfriend that I had that tells me he loves me when he was cheating on his girlfriend with me and I didn’t know he has a girlfriend. I felt so hurt for her about what he did to her with me but I felt so much pain because I became his Wh*** instead. I let him go for sure but I took a hard look at myself and I started to love myself more and more each day. Seven years later, I don’t have a boyfriend but I LOVE MYSELF everyday, by gaining higher self- esteem and I earned everyone’s respect.
My advice to #Hurt Bae….. Just remember that it will take sometime to heal but you will alright in the end. Look at me, I AM HAPPY.
GAH! This is just what I was saying above (#2)!!!! That very thing struck a nerve with me, too. He’s a pig and will treat women like this over and over again without batting a lash. Gross.
Blaming the person cheated on is very common by the cheater. It is called gaslighting.
“It’s like he’s blaming her for staying with him “why didn’t you leave”
I almost screamed at my phone, “You obviously didn’t want to be in a monogamous relationship anymore, why didn’t YOU leave? “
total sociopath!! that video gave me chills, so i’m not sure if i should thank you for posting it… LOL
this reminded me SO MUCH of a sociopath i got caught up with a few years ago. it was an extremely tough – if not educational and enlightening – experience that took me years to get past. i just wanted to reach into this video and grab her and drag her as far away from that man as i possibly could. the *only* way to get rid of someone like that is to ghost them, HARD. i completely felt for her!
I had a boyfriend (first love) who cheated on me when I was a teenager. And I was completely devastated. I was on the upper deck of one of those red London buses, going to meet my friends who were taking me out to cheer me up. I started to cry a little bit and then just lost the plot and HOWLED. Snot and mascara running everywhere. And there were a load of older women in their 40s and 50s on the bus, off on a night out themselves. They all rushed over and made me laugh through the snot being as crude as could be about the general uselessness of men.
Whenever I see or hear anything like this, I always think of those women. They were GREAT.
Hurt Bae should just tell Douche Bae his penis wouldn’t fetch much on eBay.
older women being there for younger women really is amazing.
She’s going to be a total mess after that relationship. Ain’t no getting over that type of disregard and mistreatment.
Come on, of course there is.
Yeah, he really f@cked her over with his treatment. It will be really hard for her to trust a guy now. If he didn’t want to be in a commit Ed relationship, he should have told her that. Typical example of a guy who wants to have his cake and eat it too.
One of my oldest friends is in an abusive relationship and can’t/won’t leave. It’s super complicated (trust me). I’m struggling with when continuing to listen/support/suggest options she doesn’t take becomes enabling. So this video hit home–such a power dynamic.
You are a good friend to not ditch her. Keep holding on for her as long as you can. Sometimes it takes years before they can leave, and having one person in her corner, saying -this is not right, but i love you no matter what you choose- that is powerful, and it may be the only thing that helps her leave. You are the tiny voice that helps keep her sane, that gives her a hold on herself. He’s going to try to make you leave, he’s going to try to make her make you leave. If it hasn’t happened already, its coming.
And please keep in mind, even with all that, your safety and well-being are your first priority.
Hugs from someone who has been there, and knows how much it hurts to see one of your loved ones in pain and not be able to ‘fix’ it.
I’m sorry Birdix, I’ve been there. My best friend married a man who broke into my house and climbed into my bed and forced himself on me and professed his love, thank god he was so wasted I was able to get him out, but he convinced her I was being dramatic and she married him anyway. I stayed by her side through his obvious lies for 2 years, then helped her find the ATM he withdrew hundreds of dollars from at 4 am from a strip club, he was an EMT and claimed a stripper fell off the stage and needed an ambulance, and he realized he needed cash too, lol. She moved in with me and I helped her through the divorce, it wasn’t easy for me because I felt betrayed too, she believed him over her friend since middle school, but we recovered and are still best friends. Point is, sometimes you have to just keep your mouth shut and your true feelings locked up tight, and just be there when the end comes, and hopefully it will for your friend since she’s being abused:( When people are deep in those type relationships they don’t think rationally, it’s easy to look from the outside and say what you’d do, but it’s not always that black and white.
Edit-I just saw your further comment about her cancer….sh*t. I’m so so sorry.
This woman should have dumped this guy the first time he cheated. Maybe they could have stayed friends but he will not change if there is no cost to his current behavior. She seems like the kind of woman you deeply regret hurting after you grow up and realize what you had.
I feel sorry for her. It’s awful to be so emotionally invested in someone no good for you.
My holy roller grandma (God rest her soul) would always admonish me and my other female cousins about not getting hung up on some guy. Her favorite quotes were “men are just like busses, another will be along soon” and ” Is his “penis” dipped in gold? No? Then move on child.” She didn’t use the word penis but the D word. God, I miss that woman.
“Is his “penis” dipped in gold? No? Then move on child.”
Perfect and beautiful advice. Your grandmother sounds like she was amazing.
She was. It was always amazing to hear this church going, bible quoting woman drop words like that on us. I miss her so much.
LOL. Yeah we’ve heard stuff like that but for many it’s easier said than done. That’s what makes us human. I know I am very selective about who I allow into my life, so when someone acts an ass after I let them in, I can quit talking to them but it still takes time to fully move on.
Some if the best guidance I’ve ever had came from a male life coach. He said women often commit too soon, we love to be “in love” too much sometimes. He was right, consciously not diving into the love machine fantasy of who a man is and letting the guys I was dating show me who they were really helped me live a better life.
The idiot in the vid is no one’s best friend–she might have seen that early on if she’d given herself a chance to see it.
Yes! Enjoying the ride but not putting your heart into it (or protecting your heart) until at least the three month mark is such great advice. Hard to follow, but revealing.
Why is it always women who are doing the wrong thing in this type of advice? Women, don’t do this and don’t do that! You’ll only get a man if you do this! Like, why do we always have to conform to men’s behavior and expectations? Maybe dudes should simply take care NOT to be flaming douchebags and treat people with respect and consideration, while being upfront with their relationship motives. I think we let men off easy for way too much.
Of course men should be better. But there are not men posting on here. This is woman to woman advice.
She was up front: she wanted a monogamous relationship. He lied, he said he would be faithful and wasn’t. She was being the grown up, she did nothing wrong.
I can understand him being her boyfriend because that’s life, there’s bound to be some douches on the way. But him being her bestfriend, no.
I would get over boyfriends treating me like shit but getting over friends that do that to me, it would be much harder. If your friends do that to you, you are in serious trouble.
@Birdix – I’m in the same situation with a friend of mine as well, not sure what to do to help her.
It’s so hard. I’ve provided outlets, made plans so she can leave and land in the homes of loving friends or family, and even called her mom to get her involved. And there are kids involved so his impact extends beyond her. And perhaps not surprisingly she told me to back off, that she just wants me to listen and not fix anything. The kicker is that she has cancer, so time is crucial.
Good luck to you Jazz.
Oh, Birdix, I hope this doesn’t come across the wrong way, because it truly isn’t meant to offend, but…
If she has limited time left due to cancer, is it possible that she doesn’t want to destabilize the kids by leaving then dying? Maybe she really just does want you to listen. I can imagine it must be terribly difficult for you to see the hand she’s been dealt- so painfully unfair- but maybe in this unusual scenario, her request just might be best for her? Can you have an open conversation about how she feels about it and what she would prefer? Just my thoughts.
Good luck to you too Birdix, and to your friend. All we can do is just be there for them.
Thanks, Notsosocial, I appreciate your thoughts. Yes that is possible. It’s so hard to know–I fear she’s in over her head. I want to be supportive–of course–but I fear I’m taking the easy way out. At what point am I enabling rather than listening? It’s heart-breaking–she’s such an amazing woman, an incredible person.
Same.
That video was heartbreaking and very relatable. That guy is a major asshole, no remorse for the pain that he is causing. I was cheated once and the pain was so debilitating and excruciating I couldn’t breathe… something had been ripped from the insides. Not sure if is the same for everyone but betrayal hurts and is a shame that he doesn’t seem to care.
i’m having a bad day, so this made me tear up. low self-esteem can really do a number on the sort of relationship you get yourself into, and i’m glad i got over that in my late teens. i’m 27 now, and i know girls my age who still struggle in relationships with bad men because they’re not confident enough to leave. it’s upsetting.
This reminds me of the same situation my sister is in right now. Her fiancee/baby’s father keeps cheating on her and she cant/won’t break up with him. Why? I assume it’s because she has no self worth. And he isn’t mature enough to be the bigger person and break up with her. Both of them are immature and dysfunctional. Sucks that now they have a kid in this mess.
At least hurt Bae came to her senses and got out. Hope she continues to love herself more and more everyday. No one deserves to be treated that way by anyone.
My sisters are like this too. Both dated/married the most awful guys you can imagine. Losers, cheaters, free loaders, controlling, psychos. I never understood why. My parents are still together, my dad was always the best he could. I remember trying to reason with both each time and nothing. Despite being the youngest, I was the mature one all my life. It was chance after chance with those assholes. Hearbreak, devastation, etc. My sister got a divorce a couple of years ago and she’s still not over it. Well, her ex just got married again and it affected her deeply. She’s still in a really bad place. I’m like, when are you going to be happy? Stop letting men dictate your life, your self-worth, your future. Like, my God, you don’t need one. Most are a huge disappointment but also, some women allow too much BS in a relationship. It’s legit not the worst thing to be alone but in PEACE.
But if you have a codependent person with very low self-esteem and self-worth, they’ll put up with *anything*. It’s sad. The things and the stories I know about everything women I know have put up with will outrage you. I will never understand that.
Couldn’t watch all of it. Felt like an acting class, not real people.
Is this for real or acting?
I think it’s real, but choreographed and scripted to keep the story tight and avoid repetition, etc.
If it’s acting, that’s pretty good acting!
Douche Bae is probably another “first stage of love” addict. Once real life enters, the restless itch begins, no matter how nice real life is. That first stage can be powerful and it’s hard to sustain love after it – you need to work at it, and many don’t realize or appreciate that fact. They just think things “changed” or “dried up.”
RME to infinity and beyond..*****
I would never ever forgive or stay with a cheater. Ever. Once would be enough for me.
I dated a guy and I believed we were exclusive. I had suspicions about his female best friend but he accused me of being jealous and swore there was nothing going on between them. After six months we did become more serious and the friend faded. After three years I dumped him and only then did I find out that for the first six months of that relationship he HAD been seeing someone else and all his friends knew it. It wasn’t even the best friend!
Now I’m happily married, the former best friend became MY good friend, and the loser I dated is still a loser. Every time I run into a mutual friend they feel the need to share with me some new incident of his loserhood. Which I don’t want to hear anyway. Good riddance!!
Ugh. It kind of seems like he is messing with her head, but it’s subtle enough that I could see where she might be really confused. Implying it’s her fault for not leaving, and than acting like he just cares so much for future and “the woman she will become”….obviously we don’t know how long this relationship lasted, but I am guessing he was playing with her emotions and sense of reality for awhile. Yuk.
I think we’ve all known a guy like him. Gosh, how they suck!
He doesn’t deserve to be that handsome. There is no doubt a parade of women that throw themselves at him because of his looks.
She is a lovely. If she can completely cut ties with this cheat, she will find love again. If she’s still talking to him, even as friends, she is wasting precious years of her life.
I had a male friend tell me many years ago that when a man treats you like this, it’s because he wants you to leave but doesn’t have the guts to initiate the break up. I never forgot it. I feel her pain, but she needs to cut her losses and roll.
She needs to cut any communications with this douche…
How condescending he was…
Nothing wrong with this dudes upbringing. He seems like a typical, arrogant, young guy who is used to girls fawning. Unfortunately, I met lots of guys like this in college. From nice families, educated, well mannered, etc… They play girls for fools because it makes them feel powerful and gives them validation. We live in a world where putting others down to lift yourself up is still acceptable. And even glamorized in pop culture
I’m not going to armchair psychologist these people because I’m not even sure that it’s authentic. Would feel pretty silly if I generalised about them and found out they were actors.
She came to his room, and there was another person there and he told her to leave… and she still stayed in that relationship?
wow.
I understand what this is. Is it a commercial or trailer for something?
He’s a young man; most young men (and a lot of older men), are going to try to sleep with as many young women as they can. She should have left him when he was having sex with another young lady in “his room”; something I’m still trying to picture in my head. I can’t feel sorry for her, because she “went back to her room” She could have at least kicked some ass. It’s pretty hard for people to functionally fight back when they’re naked.
I too became someone’s doormat. I never felt that it was possible to love someone with every fiber of my being. He was happiness, he made me feeI I was walking on clouds, my heart beat it, just for him. But…he used me and I knew it but couldnt let go. He made feel alive and I just wanted to show him everyday how much he meant to me. Everytime he touched me, kissed me felt like he could melt my skin with his. I vibrated to the sound of his voice. But after a short while he took his love away…And my life felt as if it was imploding, my life felt it reached its end because I will never be able to feel that kind of transcendental happiness again. I know how happiness tastes, and feels like, anything else would be a cheap copy of it. I never want to feel my lungs gasping for air again. Because it was a very distinct feeling of not being able to breathe everytime I thought of him or looked at him. Felt that my heart had shattered and my lungs felt rawed and could not keep up with the desperate beats of my shattered heart. I made it through it, survived it . It doesnt hurt anymore but the wound its still there and I will never give myself again. Nothing will compare to that, so there is no need to search anymore. Now I have time to get to know myself and learn to love me the same way I loved him.