Last year we discussed Marcia Gay Harden and her work with Notes to Remember to raise Alzheimer awareness. At that time, Marcia was in the process of writing a memoir about her mother, who was diagnosed in 2009. The book, The Seasons of My Mother, is out now and paints a beautiful but ultimately sad picture of the way Marcia is losing her mother and how important it is to be ready for it. She described the first time her mother couldn’t remember who she was and the beautiful response Marcia had for it.
Marcia Gay Harden knew the moment was inevitable. Still, it was no less heartbreaking when her beloved mother, Beverly, who suffers from Alzheimer’s disease, forgot who Harden was for the first time a few years ago.
“We were on the phone and she said, ‘I’m sorry, but who are you?’” writes Harden of the call with Beverly, 81, in a moving new memoir, The Seasons of My Mother, exclusively excerpted in this week’s issue of PEOPLE.
In her book, the Oscar-winning actress reflects on memories and lessons gleaned from Beverly’s life – as a mother, a creative force and a demure yet fierce wife of a Navy officer – while also opening up about her Alzheimer’s journey.
“I was prepared for it, it’d been coming on gradually, so there wasn’t really a shock. ‘It’s okay if you don’t remember me,’ I said. ‘I will always remember you.’“
Beverly was diagnosed in her early 70s after years of increasingly apparent memory issues. Her “clarity comes and goes”, says Harden, who, along with her brother and three sisters, pitches in to support her mom, now living with full-time care in her home state of Texas.
“Several months later [after the phone call], she said to me, ‘I know there is something important about you, but I can’t remember what it is,’ and then later, ‘When you walked in the room, I felt something happy, like there was something about your face that was special to me’.”
It really is heart-breaking and lovely at the same time. I love the last part, about how her mother can’t remember her but senses there is something about Marcia that makes her happy. That has to be comforting to both of them. I mentioned before that I didn’t live near the relatives I lost to Alzheimer’s. My grandmother forgot my children when we spoke on the phone. Her Alzheimer’s was far enough when I brought my son to her the first time that I suspect she never knew who they were. I don’t know why but I think that made it easier. She loved being around them, regardless.
Marcia wrote this memoir for a couple of reasons. Of course, this book will raise awareness and help people prepare for the inevitable once the diagnosis is made. But Marcia also wrote the memoir so that the mother she knew, and all of her wonderful traits and stories, can live on even as she disappears mentally. I think that’s such a beautiful love note to her mother. I’m glad her mom still has moments of clarity because that will allow her to know, if even for a moment, that who she was will live on.
Photo credit: WENN Photos
That is so sad.
my mom has had alzheimer’s for the last eight years. to watch it has been devastating. I miss her so much. it’s an awful disease. it’s as if she dies and leaves the world everyday but she is still here physically. it’s so difficult knowing that she wouldn’t want to live like this but having to watch it happen. when I see hello to her, she says ‘hi sweetheart’. and that’s it. that’s what she always called me. it’s been that way for years. she cannot communicate or have any conversation at all, but she still knows my voice. love you mama.
Thank you so much for sharing this. <3
My grandma had dementia after having a stroke and it’s so hard. She never forgot me, which I’m so grateful for but the reality is she had another major stroke and died before her memory could get any worse. Alzheimer’s and dementia are awful things that steal away the people you love and leave them a shell. It can be hard to remember that your loved one is still there, but they are.
The most cruel of diseases.
We just buried my MiL after a decade of dementia. It was a strange experience because she had effectively not recognised anyone in her family for about 5 years. And we had photos of her, told stories about her and she was present in death that she hadn’t been for several years living with the dementia.
It’s my greatest fear about my parents – particularly my father. I don’t know if I could bear watching that with him. Horrible horrible way to die for those that remain.
When my MIL finally succumbed 12 years after her diagnosis, my husband was thankful she had finally gone. He had grieved so much watching her being robbed of her dignity that it was a huge relief. I don’t know if there is a good way to die, but this is definiately not it.
My grandpa suffered from Alzheimer’s and since I was younger I didn’t realize how heartbreaking it was for my mom…him seeing her and not knowing who she was. Or when he would get so angry and resistive when my aunt who cared for him would try to do something for him like tie his shoes or stop him from leaving the house at 11pm at night. Horrible disease and I don’t want to think about what I would do if my mother gets it… so utterly heartbreaking
I will purchase this book for sure!! What a gorgeous premise for writing a book. What a beautiful way to honor a lady you loved. XO I have seen a distant relative fade from Alzheimers and it was so tough to watch the effect on his children. So incredibly hard for the family.
That made me cry for real. It was sweet and sad. “I felt something happy.”
“I felt something happy”
I smiled and my eye was itching suddenly 🙂
My husbands grandmother, now 90, suffers from age-related dementia. She is surrounded by ours and her daughter’s (my MIL) care, of course, but her best friend is our cat. Kira is incredibly nurturing and smart little cat, and a cannot stress enough the positive impact animals can have for people in such conditions. She brings comfort, companionship and peace to grandmother’s everyday life.
<3
My mom was diagnosed a year ago but didn’t see a doctor for years because she was embarrassed. Things are progressing faster now so I know this day will come for me too. This article actually helped prepare me. Thank you for posting it.
My great grandfather, his sister, and my grandfather all had Alzheimer’s disease. I don’t remember it with my great grandpa, but it was very hard watching the decline with my great aunt and grandpa, who are both gone now. I also worry about if my mom, her sisters, my brother, or I have inherited a predominance for AD…even though I’m in my 30s, I wish there was a test to find out what may happen. I also get paranoid because my memory used to be great, but in the last few years it has not been…but I was also diagnosed with an autoimmune disease in the last couple of years, so I think that contributes some. *Sigh* I’m scared.
My parents both died fairly young, so I’ve never had to deal with this. A friend’s mother has been institutionalized from the age of 45 for Alzheimer’s, and it’s brutal. Her mother hasn’t recognized her in a decade. A different woman who fought with her mother unceasingly from the time she turned 15 found that the disease let them relate to one another more easily; her mother basically forgot to resent her, and they were able to have the most honest and emotionally positive conversations of their lives.
This made me tear up a little, making me remember of my grandfather who also had Alzheimer. He never forgot my grandma and mother, but didn’t remember anything else about himself or his dead daughter. He also sometimes mistaked me for my mom (though I was only 11), but mostly he did remember me and my sister.