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A few years ago, when we were covering Charlie Sheen, someone recommended the book Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. It helped me understand the cycle of abuse and the way that law enforcement and the court system protect and cover for abusers. I gave a copy to a friend whose ex husband is known as a “great guy” but who regularly lied, gaslighted, cheated and emotionally abused her. He is so utterly charming that a judge in divorce court took his side when he painted my friend as a crazy manipulative harpy. This is all too common.
Jennifer Farley, best known as JWoww from Jersey Shore, married her boyfriend, Roger Mathews, in the fall of 2015. Last fall she filed for divorce. They have two children together, daughter Meilani, four and a half, and son Greyson, who turns three in May. They have had an on-off relationship, with a few reconciliations and have gone to couples’ therapy. (Bancroft writes that couples’ therapy is not helpful at all in abusive relationships as it helps abusers gaslight their victims and make it into a “both sides” issue.) Jennifer just published a long all-caps statement on her website directed at Roger and detailing his abuse and lies. It’s hard to read because it’s so emotionally raw and is frankly triggering. I believe her. This all sounds so textbook and my heart goes out to her. I’ve excerpted some of it below. She also included a scan of the police report containing multiple reports of Roger’s abuse in 2007. He beat her, he destroyed her cellphone and camera and he also stabbed himself when she threatened to leave him. There is a home webcam video of Howard hitting Jennifer. There’s another video of him admitting that he’s on heroin and another where he admits cheating on Jennifer with a married woman. Their kids are there for almost all of it and it’s awful. Here’s some of what she wrote. She’s responding to the way he’s been trashing her on social media, but I’m not going to include his “side” at all.
Why she’s speaking out
I wanted to handle this out of the spotlight because our silence is [for our children’s] greater good. Even when you tried to disgrace my name, make false accusations and even point blank lie… I still remained silent. I can no longer sit idly by while you mistreat and malign me.He fed their son pizza even though he’s allergic
You fed our 2 year-old son [pizza even though he] is highly allergic to gluten and dairy, placing him in serious medical jeopardy. When I asked you about the food situation, you chose to berate me instead of acknowledging that Grayson’s health is of paramount concern. How dare I be worried about our son’s medical condition? It’s only our son’s safety at issue. Apparently, all of his medical professionals are wrong and you know best.He wouldn’t let a therapist in to see their son
Last week… you refused to open the door to allow the therapist in for Greyson’s scheduled appointment, even though she stood there knocking and ringing the bell for 30 minutes in the freezing cold.He teamed up with her other abusive ex after she got a restraining order
You personally researched the whereabouts and contacted ex boyfriends of mine to inflict harm upon me after I filed for divorce and you were removed from the home as a result of a temporary restraining order.It is unfathomable to me that because of you proactively contacting an ex-boyfriend of mine to team up against me, he was arrested for trying to extort money from me.
You know that another ex from my college years brutally beat me so badly that I was hospitalized. He was incarcerated for the violent acts against me. He [stalked me]. When your own acts of domestic violence against me were questioned, you chose to reach out to this unspeakable person to intimidate me. Your attempt to bring this heinous person back into my life after he nearly murdered me speaks volumes as to who you really are.
His abuse is just awful
You have spit at me. You have pushed me. You have shoved me. You have aggressively thrown me to the ground. You have prevented me from closing doors to escape having you coming at me. You have belittled and disparaged me. You have threatened me. You have contacted my bosses to attempt to smear my name and hurt my public image. You have called authorities to falsely accuse me of harming our children hoping to get… leverage in a custody case, only resulting in our children having to be undressed and physically examined, being humiliated… with naturally no substantiation of any abuse on my part. A violent person is who you really are through and through.She got out
I have been broken down, beaten, hospitalized, traumatized, threatened, degraded, battered and abuse. I got out. I stand strong today. For me. For Greyson. For Meilani. They will not grow up watching their mother being a victim of domestic violence.
Jennifer goes on to detail the “evidence” Roger has collected in an attempt to smear her and to frame her for abuse he committed, which is a common abuser tactic. When I read the end, the last part I excerpted above about how she got out, I started crying for her and for so many women who have gone through this. I am still crying. This is an incredibly hard story to report. This is hard to read, this is hard to consider, and it must be unfathomably hard to go through. Jennifer writes to women going through this that “suffering in silence is no way to live. I was there for many years and you and your children deserve to be safe. You are valuable, you are worthy, you are loved.” Here is a link to a list of people to call and resources to help if you’re in an abusive relationship. It is not your fault.
Her best decision in her life and probably her most difficult decision .
Stay strong !
That is such a horrible situation to be in. She needs a lot of therapy (not just her kids) to figure out why she keeps picking these horrible, abusive men. I got chills reading her words.
Can we not with the ‘why she picks them’? Men should be held accountable for their decisions and actions instead of constantly flipping it around on the victim. Sure we can all be more self aware about patterns but after I ended my marriage in September I was able to finally say ‘I was in an abusive relationship’ because it was such a slow process to get there and then so hard to end it because i had no self esteem left.
No matter what, whoever does the abusing is the one we should be holding accountable. TYVM.
yeah that should be a part of her recovery but right now she needs to just stay alive. Most Dangerous time is when you leave!
He is going to be extremely angry right now and up in arms over the fact she went public with his shameful actions.
Any mental health professional would tell you that’s a reductive attitude to take. The issue shouldn’t be why she picks bad men. A survivor of domestic violence should not blame themselves thinking their own shortcomings have led them to be abused but how they found the fortitude to get out. The reason abusers are successful is not because they have weak victims, it’s because they are charismatic, intense and insidious.
Not victim blaming. People do get into cycles of choosing abusive partners, bad jobs, etc. Obviously, the blame and the responsibility lays with the psycho who was violent and abusive towards her. But she will need therapy to get to the bottom of why she found those horrible men attractive and what she can do to recognize the signs next time, so as to–maybe–avoid getting into a relationship with the next one. I know for sure that I have gotten into relationships with men who, in hindsight, turned out to be like my abusive, alcoholic father. There was just something about them that attracted me, often passing over genuinely good guys for pieces of garbage. That is all i was saying. Familiarity is a heck of a drug.
BytheSea – Yup, Codependency is a real bitch is all I got to say
You have to learn to value yourself because when you do, you tend to keep up boundaries so people who don’t value and respect you, can’t get in. You have to be your own gatekeeper you know?
Omg, poor Jenny. She has had some horrible relationships. He called an ex of hers, who put her in the hospital, to intimidate her! He is a real POS. I used to watch Jersey Shore and she was like a mom to the other girls. And now because of the kids together, she will never be rid of him. I’m glad she came out and told us what he has done. Stay strong Jenny, you’ll be just fine
I don’t think we have to make her a saint to acknowledge she was def a victim here. Show wise she was very volatile and aggressive but 1) ratings (selective showing) 2) it doesn’t change that he is in the wrong.
I just feel like we can admit she’s not the sweetest person AND still be a victim to his abuse.
I found her one of the more likable Jersey Shore cast members..and I am truly sorry she was dealing with this. Stay Strong J-Wow!
I didn’t say she was the sweetest person but she did mother the other girls. I wouldn’t expect her to be sweet after being in several abusive relationships. That would leave some marks
The comments on her IG are disgusting, people saying that she should have kept this private when it probably took so much courage to even speak out is why people don’t speak out!
Also, I am seeing a ton of headlines saying JWoww “claims husband abused her”, or “alleged abuse” REALLY!??! She showed a video! How much more proof does she need
Which is very common. Pre social media and still happens, families and friends out tell abuse victims to keep it private.
They can get sued for libel and defamation if they don’t say “alleged.” A lot of this will end up in criminal court (for a continuation of the restraining pr protective order, for example) and until he is found guilty or admits to it, it is “alleged.” Unfortunate, but true.
That’s a legality issue. Newspapers have to be very careful to avoid bias in reporting, both in terms of their potential to influence a case publicly as well their own reputation that could set them up for libel charges. There’s good reason for it, even though it’s often abused and utilized to protect certain groups of people over others.
This is very hard to read. She is a fiercly strong woman. I’m so happy that she has put this online for all to see because now he cannot go back. He is shamed. This chapter is over. Now her and her beautiful babes can grow and heal from what that monster has done. It is going to be better and better everyday and they will all be stronger because of this.
I wouldn’t go that far. I would never say that this chapter is over because given everything we know about abusive patterns, the cycle isn’t usually broken in a day.
We know that in abusive relationships, often the abused goes back to their abuser and that is sadly one of the “best case” scenarios. Worst case, he kills her and/or their children. It might sound really dark/extreme but I think we have to be realistic about how much danger she is still in. This is the early stages when she finally realizes how bad it’s become and she has the support to leave, but she still has a very long road ahead of her.
So while I agree that this is an important first step, we shouldn’t paint this as a happy ending. She will need years of therapy as will her children. She likely knows that restraining orders are practically useless and I’m sure she is still living in fear. The scars will last a lifetime.
I am worried he will now escalate- he has no power anymore, since she put all of his shit behavior out there for the world to see, shattered the facade he created.
Such a hard read, stay strong.
I’m in shock, he really has portrayed himself as this amazing father who steps up while she’s off filming and constantly leaving her family, and he’s so heartbroken over her but she’s the evil one doing this for no reason, but I’m not surprised at all. I know men just like him, I feel so bad for her, and for judging her so harshly. I think her reputation on jersey shore as a hot head didn’t help, but it doesn’t matter, he’s disgusting and abusive and I’m glad she’s finally speaking out. I watched all of the videos on her page, he’s recording her(after he gaslights her but doesn’t show that part of course) and she’s throwing things and going off about him having an affair, he fully admits it and talks about how hot the woman was…while he’s holding their baby son and laughing at Jenni for being so crazy, it’s sickening! The one where he tosses her on the ground is just horrifying and made me tear up. Poor Jenni, and the fact that she’s just now airing all of this tells me she really did try to keep this private for her children.
Yeah i give her a pass for throwing something…a lot of times abusive partners will do just this – record you or spread gossip about you after many incidents of abuse and gaslighting when in fact you’re just finally finally standing up to them and reacting to their abuse. They will blackmail you with this later, which is what I assume he was planning on doing when he was recording her.
I had been physically abused in similar ways as Jwoww by my previous boyfriend. At our last big blow out, he recorded me during the arguement that ensued. Obviously he wanted to capture me angry and crying and he used that video he to blackmail me into silence for months. In the end- I dared him to post it to social media, send it to my work and called him on his bluff.
These abusers KNOW they are guilty and when they resort to the blackmail to control you, they know their time is up and this is a last ditch effort. Once the courts become involved, their attempt to blackmail you into silence is a crime – as a state witness on her own domestic violence case, Jwow’s husband would be intimidating a state’s witness by attempting to blackmail her to keep her quiet. He better be careful- district attorney’s don’t look kindly on witness initimidation.
@Jess +1, identical reaction out of me. I really liked Roger and rooted for their reconciliation (I adore Jenni Farley) but, wow, I guess he was a real talent at projecting what he wanted others to see.
I escaped an abusive long-term relationship about ten years ago, and I definitely tried to keep the details private — because I still loved the person, and because I felt deep shame at having “let” any of this happen to me. I’m so relieved I never married the person or had children, because it would’ve made leaving — abruptly, no-contact, briefly unhomed and near-destitute — much, much more difficult.
This is hard to read.
What type of man abuses his wife & harms his son?
Its terrible.
I know it’s popular here to dump on Jersey Shore cast members, but I love her and wish her the best.
I personally think her character is not in question here and shouldn’t even be brought up at all. Nobody deserves this. She is a victim. I don’t care whether people “like” her or not.
Me too! Jenni is by far one of my favorite cast members, even from the earlier days, she always knew how to handle her shit. I’m not shocked that she managed to take care of herself and her babies and get away from this scum. He was a POS to her from when they started dating on Jersey Shore. She’s very fortunate t have the support of her cast members as well. It’s not easy to get out of these situations without someone on the other side.
For posters who may be in a similar situation and need help recognizing what is going on
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/
I did the freedom programme, and then went on to do RRR (recognition, recovery, repair) twice, which i HIGHLY recommend. Ij hindsight it was lifechanging and such a supportive environment to meet and connect with other women coming out of the same situation.
thank you for posting this Zapp and Cher! I took a look and found it very helpful, and will be forwarding to my friends and also my friend who is a social worker in the US. Please, if you know someone in an abusive relationship, or are concerned that you yourself might be in one, spend the money to take the freedom programme, and please spread the word of its existence. It might save the life of you or a loved one.
many thanks.
Please note for U.K. readers these are FREE, GOVERNMENT FUNDED 12 week programmes, with FREE creche to look after your child while you are in the group. 100% accessible to anyone and so so worth it.
CB thank you for mentioning the book!!! It is life changing if you have been through any form of abuse or know someone who has or is being abused. Honestly think it should be required reading for women if there was such a thing. Glad she got and out and is speaking out.
Having recently gone through something similar with a family member, it’s so hard when the actual abuser gets all the support bc they know how to act and the victim just gets abused on all sides because of “how it looks.”
A sibling of mine is in what I would consider an abusive relationship and trying to navigate that is hard for family I can’t imagine how it is for him.
I’m glad she has the videos as evidence.
As a survivor I had to do a couple of things and I hope jwow can do them
1) get some trauma therapy, for your and your children’s sake. Prioritze finding a safe therapist. Go see them a lot, like as often as you can afford, maybe twice a week at minimum.
2) please establish and surround a group of loving friends to help care for you and your kids. Work to Understand what love and respect mean. Don’t blame yourself but ask yourself, when you are ready, why you are attracted to abusive men at all. What you have internalized about what relationships mean. Practice self-empathy and compassion and the work of understanding codependency
Invest in yourself as a matter of survival.
thumbs up to this post
I’m in DBT group therapy on top of one-on-one therapy for complex PTSD. Some people believe in doing a year of DBT before attempting trauma counseling, and that’s what I’m doing — but there’s at least one person in my class who is doing DBT and trauma counseling simultaneously.
I highly recommend DBT to anyone who has had any sort of traumatic experience. It is where you pick up the tools and coping skills that most people with regular childhoods already picked up. DBT teaches emotional regulation, mindfulness, and — to @Mp’s point — identifying negative patterns in those we may seek relationships with, and learning how to reinforce our own boundaries.
Please do not let trauma fester. It leads to long-term physical-health consequences, which is what finally got me to a therapist. Nobody can “fix themselves” — I tried.
Reading stories like this, here, had helped me realize that I was in a toxic relationship aswell, which I recently ended after he screamed at me in the middle of the street for no good reason. A couple of days later he showed up at my house acting like a madman, demanding to be let in, despite me clearly telling him that I don’t want to see him anymore. I didn’t let him in. Then came the bad messages on social media. I spent the better part of january in fear but I feel better now because I don’t have to worry anymore about him throwing chairs through the living room.
I’m just dreading the day when I will inevitably see him again by accident, what with us living in the same city and sharing friends…
So sorry to read this. Stay strong and do not let him in even when he inevitably apologizes and begs forgiveness! Remember how you feel now and how scary and inappropriate his behavior has been. You do not deserve that terrible treatment!
Be careful, this is clearly escalating and take precautions. Don’t be alone with him. In my experience, uncontrollable rage is the biggest red flag there is.
Yes, I emphasize what me is saying. it’s not fair for you to live in fear, but the system is not stacked in your favor. Be very cautious when traveling alone. Make sure you’re changing up your routines regularly so they aren’t predictable. Have people over as often as you can as a deterrent. I’d even consider changing residences if you can financially swing it. My sister took years to fully shake her abusive ex.
I had an ex like that and it took me WAY TOO LONG to leave him. He was SUCH an asshole and it still makes my blood boil that I allowed him to behave the way he did toward me. Crazy thing is, I was more in love with him than any other partner I’ve had.
One incident in particular that stands out, we were living in Los Angeles and I was driving him to a private, invite only Snow Patrol concert (right before the album with “Chasing Cars” was released). He managed a well-known record store on La Cienega Blvd. and got invited to stuff like that all the time. He was super charming to most, but a total dick at home. Anyway, he didn’t have a car nor a driver’s license so I had to taxi him around everywhere. I can’t remember what set him off, I might have looked at him the wrong way, but he opened the car door while I was still driving and tried to get out. I stopped the car right in the middle of San Vicente. He spit in my face, called me a f*****g c**t (not the first time he’d said that to me) and kicked my passenger door closed, putting a huge dent in it.
He called me a couple of hours later to “apologize” and inform me that we were both invited to a very small after party with the band. It was also my birthday. I got to spend about 30 minutes one on one talking to Gary Lightbody and got his autograph, but it was always be an experience tainted by what happened a few hours before.
Jerk. Funny how it still affects me years after I finally left him.
Same with me. I have never felt as in love with someone as I did with my abuser.
Obviously it’s something inside of me I need to work on because why would I love someone who put me in the hospital twice and terrorized me on the regular emotionally (we didn’t have children or live together even) .
I believe a lot of it had to do with the trauma bonding I’ve heard about. The highs were higher than anything but the lows were the lowest. I have done a lot of work on myself and introspection onto why I stayed. Rebuilding my sense of self and boundaries has given me a sense of peace I hadn’t had in years. Goodluck on your journey and healing too
That’s horrible.
I’m so glad that she’s getting out of this relationship and getting herself and the kids safe. I do not doubt that he was abusive and unsafe.
I am saddened and surprised by the videos she posted. The one of him hitting and throwing her is horrific. Several of them are of her raging at him and throwing things at him while he was holding the baby. Why wouldn’t either one of them get the baby out of there? I don’t doubt he gaslit and terrorized her, but it is scary to watch her lose sight of the kids safety and for him to instigate and mock her for it.
It seems like they were both endangering kids while being together and it’s good they are getting divorced. I hope they stay away from each other, get counseling for themselves and the kids. I really hope that someone is monitoring the children’s safety.
Poor girl, nobody deserves this kind of treatment. Violent partners very often will threaten you or intimidate you when you finally stand up for yourself and involve police and the courts.
I can smell blackmail a mile away here so she is getting it all out there so he has no power over her. Honestly, that just goes to show what a lowlife he is to blackmail and threaten her AFTER he physically abused her. I hope she gets full custody, men like that are scary around small children.
Ugh. I don’t even know what to say. I believe her and hope she’s okay.
Heartbreaking. No one deserves to be treated that way.
Just bought the book you mentioned. Your friends situation sounds very similar to mine, going through the divorce now.
Name and SHAME – good for her!!! He deserves to be outed as the woman-beater that he is. Hope this helps her move on.
I love Jersey Shore and I love JWoww. I think Roger’s temper can largely be attributed to steroid abuse. Roid rage is no joke. I’ve been on prednisone multiple times mostly for psoriasis and I feel so irritable and outright ANGRY when I take it. I’ve never been violent while taking it but I’ve been mean and felt like I could punch a hole through the wall. Predinose is not the same kind of steroid that I think Roger is abusing but they work very similarly in regards to mood. She should never take him back but they do have kids together so I hope he can seek treatment.
It enrages me to see how many women are still defending him on social media. I fully expect him to still blame everything on her. The video where he is recording her, I think he’ll deny everything (heroin & cheating, which to be honest I don’t know that he is on heroin, I think he was just mocking her, but that’s not even the point) & say she was raging at him all day & he just had to record her to have proof of her crazy. The one where he puts his hands on her, he’ll say she edited it & that she was attacking him 1st & he was just trying to get her to stop. He may admit he shouldn’t have put his hands on her, but it will still all come back around to being Jenni’s fault. He was always so manipulative with her, but always in the name of him being more mature than her (according to him). He would stop talking to her for days, even when he was obviously at fault, until she would call him, crying & apologizing for whatever he said she did wrong. & the crazy part is, so many people (even myself, for a while) believed him! Jenni was dramatic, that was the narrative, he was 10 years older than all of them, so he was mature & didn’t play games (again, according to him). It’s crazy to look back now & realize what a POS he really was this whole time.
It’s so sad that a few years ago JWoww decided to do a tattoo on her arm of Cinderella getting beat up by Prince Charming!
Look it up!
JWoww needs therapy ASAP.
Roger is still a POS. He’s a sociopath.
And Jenny needs to learn the red flags. For her kids’ sake.
Abuse survivor here. It’s a very tough decision to divorce a person you love, even if he’s abusive, I know that firsthand and I feel for her.