This week is National Fertility Week. More people are opening up about fertility issues, which I support because fertility challenges can be so devastatingly isolating. The more we discuss them, the less lonely they will be. All discussion on fertility is important but one subject that doesn’t get enough attention is secondary infertility. I’ve discussed prior that, as an observer, I felt people somewhat dismissed my friends who went through it. Like they should be happy they have the one child and not be ‘greedy.’ That felt unfair to me, as it was very painful for them.
Dylan Dreyer from Today opened up this week about her experience with secondary fertility. Dylan had a healthy baby, Calvin, two, with no problems. However, when she and her husband tried for a second child, she ran into issues getting pregnant from both a low egg count and scar tissue in her uterus. So she had a surgery to remove the scar tissue and got pregnant right away. Unfortunately, five weeks later, she miscarried:
It's the start of National Infertility Awareness Week and @DylanDreyerNBC is sharing her own family's struggle with secondary infertility and miscarriage to help shed the stigma. #3rdHourTODAY pic.twitter.com/RDNop99GFb
— TODAY (@TODAYshow) April 22, 2019
Five weeks go by, I wake to just massive bleeding, to the point where, I’m standing in the shower and it just won’t stop. I wake Brian up and tell him that. I say, ‘I think I lost the baby.’
The first thing he said to me was, ‘you didn’t lose the baby. It’s your body doing what it needs to do. You didn’t do anything wrong.’ He’s so supportive. And I get to work, and I have to do the Today show. And I have to smile, that’s what we do. You push it down, get through the show. I go to the doctor; they do an ultrasound – the baby’s still in there. The bleeding’s just a fluke bleeding. Everything’s fine.
A few more days go on, and I’m still bleeding. I went back to the doctor and he just looked at me and said, ‘I’m so sorry for you.’ You know, when he said that, that was the perfect thing you can say right now
God, this got to me. It was that swell of hope when they thought the bleeding was a fluke that destroyed me. Not to mention, she’d overcome the low count and surgery to get pregnant in the first place. What a roller coaster. I don’t want to take away from Dylan at all, but I would like to at least recognize her husband and doctor’s support. I had that same support from my husband and my oldest brother, it carried me through much of those following days. And the doctor saying just right thing. I had a D & C when the pregnancy was no longer viable. When it was done, I had to lay on the table for a bit. My doctor, who was not a really affectionate guy, placed a hand on my shoulder and said, ‘I wish I could say the right thing. You’re stronger than you feel right now. I’m sorry.’ It wasn’t a Hollywood movie worthy line, but it’s what I needed to hear. It was more the hand on my shoulder, it made me feel like we were going through it together.
On the same show, Jenna Bush Hager announced her pregnancy (she’s having a boy). This comes on the heels of Hoda Kotb’s announcement last week that she’s just welcomed a second daughter. Dylan and her husband talked a little bit about their sadness over the miscarriage when 1) others were excitedly announcing healthy pregnancies and 2) Dylan had one healthy child and some people don’t even get that. Dylan said, “My sadness doesn’t take away from anyone else’s happiness and my sadness isn’t minimized because someone has a sadder situation.”
Because of Dylan’s segment, some fans took exception to Carson Daly’s congratulatory tweet for Hoda and Jenna. He tweeted, using the old “must be something in the water’ cliché, but people found it insensitive to Dylan by implying it was easy to get pregnant. I think, based on what Dylan said above and that Carson said he’d read her article and “love(s) her to death,” that she understand the intent behind the tweet. I hope things work out for Dylan. And yes, I do think telling her story, despite other’s being pregnant or having initial success, is very important and deserving of our support.
Photo credit: Twitter, Getty Images and WENN Photos.
Oh that’s horrible. I feel so bad for her.
I do like what she said about her sadness not minimizing others happiness, and her sadness not being minimized because someone has it worse. I see that a lot, especially with pregnancy loss and infertility issues – people are trying to say the right thing, but they end up saying something like “well at least you have the one child, some people don’t even have that” or “at least you know you can GET pregnant” etc. Someone is always going to have it worse, it doesn’t mean your situation cant be sad and a struggle as well.
I agree, I really liked that comment too. I also teared up with her husband told her that she didn’t lose the baby or do anything wrong. I do think the phrase lost the baby put some sort of emphasis that the woman must have done something, which is almost always not the case in my opinion.
Yes, I don’t like the phrase “I lost the baby.” I think it makes it sound like the woman did it intentionally, or played a part in it, and it makes me sad.
I am a secondary infertility sufferer due to miscarriages and I will say this – being introduced to families dealing with this does make me feel privileged to have a child. It also makes me feel privileged to get pregnant because of what statistics say about that.
I am not minimizing my own pain here, i am just recognizing my privilege.
But you’re right – people should be able to talk about their struggle no matter who has it worse.
Somebody’s cutting onions in my house, it seems. Her husbands perfect and loving response killed me.
That made me tear up, as well. My ex made me feel at fault when I lost my two pregnancies. He never flat out said he blamed me, but it was palpable. I’m happy for her that she at least has such a strong man and a good support system in her life.
Currently dealing with male factor infertility. It is very hard to talk about and the most frustrating process I have ever been thru. It feels like a woman’s issue and its NOT, about half of the time its male factor. It seems like everyone is having a baby and that is tough but I have learned that we all have our own journey in this thing called life
I will say that its hard to understand unless you have been thru it. People love to say just relax and it’ll happen, thats the worst and most of the time its not the case. At least in my case there is a medical issue that relaxing will not solve
Hugs to anyone dealing with this
So sorry, Lorena.
I have also learned that we all have this journey and I’ve gained so much empathy for private struggle; I take great care when asking people personal questions.
I hope you have luck someday soon.
I hate the “relax and it’ll happen comments” or the stories about people who couldn’t get pregnant or had umpteen miscarriages and stopped trying and boom got pregnant. It’s just misleading for those who struggle. Not just misleading but almost accidentally blaming like you’re trying too hard, stop wanting it. It’s just not helpful even though it’s always offered from a good place.
This is a great post. I am sorry for what Dylan and her husband have gone through.
I too went to a fertility doctor last year and have low egg counts (really low).
Sending my love, respect, and support to everyone with fertility issues.
I am dealing with the same thing! I have a 2 year old daughter who was conceived easily and I had no complications. In this past year I have had three miscarriages in a row; it’s utterly baffling.
I, however, feel an immense amount of privilege that I had my daughter and if she is our only one then we are so lucky.
In some ways I think secondary fertility can be more painful, because having had a child already you can acutely feel exactly what you have lost. Whereas before I had my first child I could only imagine what being a parent would be like.
I ended up having six miscarriages before I had my second child. The sixth was by far the worst because I the same thing happened where I started bleeding (a lot) and knowing I had lost the baby I went in for an ultrasound. However, there was this perfectly healthy 11 week old normal baby with a heartbeat (by 11 weeks it’s really starting to look like a tiny human). My doctor told me she’s seen heavy bleeding before and everything is going to be just fine. She sent me home. I seriously thought it was a miracle.
The bleeding stopped and I thought I was in the clear. I came back a week later and there was no heartbeat. I was totally devastated and just completely unprepared because I thought like, things are fine. I totally shut down. I remember thanking the doctor and ultra sound tech and driving home completely calm. I walked around in shock for weeks before the grief really hit.I had to go to work every day with a dead 12 week fetus in my body and I couldn’t talk about it because my boss wasn’t at all supportive. It was awful. When I went in for the D&C the doctor said something really kind and I just broke down in tears finally. I will always remember the doctors and nurses, I’m really thankful for their empathy.
I had several miscarriages and infertility treatment. It is so hard not talked about. I never conceived. It’s always a hole in a place of your heart. My best friend went through secondary infertility, she shares her pain w me. We support each other.
This is brave and much more well received than Hilaria Baldwin “announcement” in her “black lace panties” that she was miscarrying.
Dylan is authentic and not narcissistic ab it.
Hugs to all my ladies who know this pain and grief.
Her husband is a keeper.
I love Dylan. Before she was on the Today show she was a meteorologist on WGBH here in Boston. Always thought she was so pretty…
I’m sorry for everyone going through this, and I really applaud her for talking about it publicly.
We love Dylan in Boston. She is a great woman and her husband is a gem. Good luck to you both.
Ladies who have dealt with fertility issues or miscarriages, what are your least favorite “helpful things” people said to you? My list:
1 – It just wasn’t viable, there was probably a chromosomal abnormality (duh, but I wanted a baby that’s why I’m sad)
2 – If it’s meant to be it will be, just be patient (what, do you mean it might not be meant to be? I don’t want to be patient!)
3 – I know someone who had 25 miscarriages and they finally stopped trying and then got pregnant accidentally (cool story but I don’t want to have 25 miscarriages before I get pregnant)
4 – Is there something wrong with you or husband? (f**k off)
Most favorite helpful things:
1 – I’m sorry
2 – How are you doing? (asked repeatedly and even after a couple weeks have passed and others have stopped asking)
3 – Nothing is wrong with you
4 – I had a miscarriage too
To add to your most annoying post-miscarriage comments:
[after several co-workers announced their pregnancies] “Don’t worry. You’ll get your turn. It’s in the water here!”
“Now you can drink this weekend!”
nicest comments:
“We really appreciate that you’re going through so much and are still showing up.” [ in grad school]
“Let people take care of you.”
Also annoying:
Announcing a pregnancy with any indication it was an “accident”
The comments “Oh stop trying so hard and it will happen when you least expect it.” Or “It will happen when it’s supposed to.” Comments like these are so infuriating. I’m not in the position of so many women here who’ve gone through miscarriages, but being mostly single into my 30s, I would hear these comments from people regarding finding a relationship and it made me want to punch someone. I think people mean well, but words like that are received as dismissive and insensitive.