Last week, Us Weekly had a story online about how Brad Pitt feels like there’s “a huge cloud hanging over him” specifically because of Angelina Jolie. His ass hurts because she’s winning in court and winning in life. So what can poor suckbaby Brad do to make his life a little better? He can pretend that he and his first ex-wife Jennifer Aniston still have something, a yearning or a nostalgic interest in what they once had. I generally believe that Aniston has spent her post-Justin Theroux life with her dogs and her friends, and at this point, I think it would actually suck for Aniston to end up with Brad Pitt again. But I guess there’s a generation of gossip consumers who still want “Brad & Jen” to be together forever. Some highlights from this very weird Us Weekly cover story:

After they reunited at Aniston’s 50th birthday bash back in 2019. “Jen and Brad went on a few discreet dates,” says a source, adding that the sparks faded quickly. “It became clear they were better off as friends.”

Two years later, they haven’t moved on. “Brad and Jen try to put on brave faces publicly, but friends say they are lonely and a bit disillusioned about their love lives,” the source tells Us. Despite engaging in a few casual hookups since their respective high-profile breakups, the source says both A-list stars have been so burned by love they’re having trouble opening themselves up again. “To some people it seems they’ve all but given up on finding lasting happiness.”

Aniston loves dating high-profile guys: Aniston has been “talking a good game” about how she wants to date an average Joe, but the source says there’s skepticism in her inner circle about whether or not she means it. “Anyone who knows Jen will tell you she thrives in the limelight and buzzes off of it,” reveals the source. “For that reason, it’s highly unlikely she’d gel with someone who doesn’t understand her world.”

On her fake marriage to Justin Theroux: “He was effectively Mr. Jen Aniston to a lot of people,” recalls the source. “With the exception of John [Mayer], many of the guys Jen’s been with seem like the poor man’s version of Brad. It’s often the elephant in the room.” Making matters worse, some feel she’s stuck in the past because of how close she remains with many of her former flames. Adds the source, “That can be a real turnoff for guys.”

Her strict dating rules: “Jen refuses to use dating apps,” says a second source. “And she has a screening process that’s straight out of 2005 where she spends hours Googling guys, looking at real estate records and news articles.” It’s nearly impossible to meet her high standards “and it leaves her pretty lonely at the end of the day,” notes the source.

Brad’s had bad luck with dating post-Jolie: He has had a little fun — including his brief reunion with Aniston, and his roughly two-month romance with married model Nicole Poturalski in 2020 — but sources tell Us trust issues have gotten the best of him. He’s become paranoid and often ends up scaring women away. “Brad is skeptical of most of the women he likes,” says a third source. “He’s met so many who don’t want to be thrust into the spotlight, and it’s ended a lot of relationships prematurely….Brad doesn’t want to date anyone in the industry because of what he’s gone through. He doesn’t want another Angie.”

Brad & Jen forever: Neither Pitt nor Aniston have been able to replicate what they had with one another. “For both of them, it’s like, how do you possibly come anywhere close to that?” says the second source. Still, too much has happened for them to go back in time. “Despite all the nostalgia, it was clear it wasn’t going to work,” says the source, insisting that they’ve developed a genuine friendship. “They call each other to shoot the breeze and share a laugh fairly often,” the source continues. “They’re very happy with their dynamic…. As far as their friends are concerned they feel it’s a real shame Brad and Jen can’t give each other another shot. But it’s just not in the cards right now, and it’s hard to see that changing any time soon.”

[From Us Weekly, November 15th print edition]

While I know Brad Pitt is a douchebag now, there’s something nagging at me about Brad’s strange love life and gossip post-Jolie. Like, it would not be *that* difficult for him to find some attractive (nay, beautiful) woman in her 20s or 30s who would just be a placeholder for him, someone who would be cute on his arm and not demand anything more than an attachment to his name and connections. I find it strange that Pitt hasn’t gone in that direction at all – the Neri Oxman thing was a debacle, the Nico Poturalski thing was so dumb, and God knows what was going on with Ali Shawkat. I’m left with the impression that when Angelina left him, he truly didn’t know what to do with himself whatsoever. Is that paranoia? Eh. But this is odd: “Brad doesn’t want to date anyone in the industry because of what he’s gone through. He doesn’t want another Angie.” Like SHE did something to HIM. Like he didn’t terrorize her and their children. He still can’t take any blame for that sh-t.

Photos courtesy of Backgrid.