People will do insane things in the name of beauty. Have you read about the Brazilian keratin treatment? It involves straightening the hair using formaldehyde. Yep, the same thing that’s used to preserve bodies and whatnot. You have to wear a “military-grade rubber gas mask” due to the fumes, and even then there’s a distinct possibility of eventual death as the toxins build up in your system. Given that, it doesn’t seem that crazy to let little fish have a go at the dead skill cells on your feet. Disgusting as heck, yes. But probably less likely to kill you, and you can leave your gas mask at home. But New York lawmakers disagree (they’re also working on that hair straightening, so you better stock up on Mexican formaldehyde while you can), and they’re trying to get the little fishies banned from the state. Or at least make sure you can’t put your feet on them.

Ban or no ban, the fish-pedicure business could be circling the drain in New York state.

Secretary of State Lorraine Cortes-Vazquez said yesterday she believes existing regulations give her office authority to flush the potentially unsanitary beauty procedure — in which live carp are used to suck dead skin off a customer’s feet — regardless of whether a proposed ban becomes law.

Cortes-Vazquez, whose office oversees more than 8,300 beauty salons, said she’ll pitch a prohibition on fish pedicures later this month at a meeting of the state’s cosmetology advisory board.

“If necessary, we will also seek some legislative remedy,” she said.

“But we believe we can do it from a health and safety standpoint through our existing regulatory process.”

[From the New York Post]

I saw this story on the local news last night, and thought, what the heck, I’ll give it a go. My roommate has this gnarly fishbowl that rivals the East River in terms of murky, questionable water. So I stuck my feet in there and waited for her New York State Fair carnival prize goldfish to go at it. Two hours later and nothing, though my feet felt sort of slimy. I can’t blame New York lawmakers for wanting to ban the practice. What a rip off! I wasted all that time, I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I wasted money, too.

Okay so I didn’t actually drag the roomie’s fishbowl into my room, but I don’t think that would be any weirder than going into a salon and asking to let some carp munch on my feet. JayBird’s Rule of Life Number One: You eat fish. Fish do not eat you. And frankly, I think the salons are violating some kind of labor laws. Are the carp being compensated? And if this is a pedicure, how do the fish paint the toenails underwater? I assume they’ve got some special kind of nail polish, but I don’t care what you say, even the most dexterous fish is going to struggle holding the brush. And there’s no way you’re getting designs or a complicated French manicure. I seriously doubt there are any safety issues. But I bet there are a lot of dissatisfied customers out there.

Next up: basset hound massages. They drag their ears across your back in long, soothing strokes, similar to the theory behind Swedish massage.