The tabloids this week are full of stories about Jessica Simpson being pathetic. I’m kind of over that story line, but I aim to please. What’s interesting is that both the National Enquirer and In Touch Weekly basically are reporting the same kind of thing – that Jessica is depressed, morose, and falling into a deep well of self-pity. In Touch’s story revolves around Jessica’s alleged lingering feelings for (or about) Tony Romo, who is now dating Texas beauty queen Candice Crawford. IT claims Romo and Crawford are now living together, and that “It opened up an old wound for Jessica.” Because Tony never really invited Jessica to move in with him, I think. Whatever.

The Enquirer’s story is slightly less pathetic. It’s all about Jessica feeling like a “failure” because she thought she would already be married and popping out babies by this time. So she’s turning to God for help. God and Twitter. And liquor. Here you go:

With her romantic life in tatters, her career stalled and the brutal mauling death of her dog Daisy, Jessica’s loved ones are concerned that stress and heartbreak have pushed her to the edge.

“Jessica is in the grips of a life crisis right now,” divulged a family friend, “She does a great job of publicly hiding the pain, but in private she is an emotional mess. She’s so lonely that she frequently sleeps at her folks’ Encino home. Nights are the worst. Sometimes she calls her mom into the guest bedroom and asks Tine to hold her while she falls asleep.”

“She is beating herself up over poor career choices, and feels as if she didn’t give her best effort to her two-year relationship with Tony Romo or her marriage to Nick Lachey.”

Searching for answers, she’s turned to another source for inspiration – religion.

On Oct. 23, Jessica posted this on Twitter: “Everyday I am challenged to be the best version of myself. Can I do it?Yes!! Gods plan for my life is bigger than me…so is yours..believe!” Then on November 3: “This full moon is beaming through my window with grace. I am falling asleep encountering this intense moonlit dream. Thank God it found me.”

Sadly, Jessica also seems to use drinking as a crutch, say sources.

“Her family has been keeping a close eye on her alcohol consumption,” disclosed the friend. “Jess sometimes goes overboard and then gets very emotional. They want to be there to nip it in the bud before it becomes a problem.”

Jessica also fears her 30th birthday, in nine months.

“Jess hopes she would have a husband, baby and flourishing acting career by the time she turned 30… Instead, she feels like her best days are behind her.”

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, November 16 2009]

Damn. I say let her get her drink on. She’s had a rough year, and I don’t think she’s really some huge drunk anyway. She seems like the kind of girl who would get drunk on one margarita, spend an hour dancing with Ken Paves, then need to go home and go to bed. Hell, I’d love to go out drinking with Jessica. I bet she’s a lot of fun.